Monday, October 09, 2006

The truth, or part of it

It's always a little difficult trying to decide how much to share here on the World Wide Web. Anyone could read what I've written and that helps me try to be somewhat responsible. I know--not my strong suit. My strong suit, if I have one, is being honest about what I really think, feel,or know to be true. I think it might actually help me to write about what I'm thinking and feeling lately, even though it's far from pretty. Obviously this is still not the appropriate place to 'let it all out' but there are some things I can share that I think it would be wrong to hide from the people I know and love. And believe me, I would like to hide it all. From previous experience I know that hiding and running is not the answer to my problem, so as I've done before, I'll warn you that you may not want to continue reading if you're uncomfortable with 'personal stuff'.

So with that, I'll settle in for some humble pie, not just a little piece either. The 3 things that I've been ignoring for months now are:

1. I'm depressed. It's pretty bad, and I'm a little in shock. In fact, in the 11 years we've been married Aaron has never seen me like this, and I'm not at my worst...yet. I thought I would never get to this place again and frankly I'm not enjoying it. It's much worse with 3 kids to take care of in the middle of it. I want to die or leave, and spend most of my days thinking and planning how to do one or the other. Not practical solutions to the problem however.

2. I'm really mad at God. I've said lots of terrible (not to mention untrue) things to him and about him. I've dared him to strike me dead, told him off when he didn't, ect... Why am I so agry? As much time and energy as I recently put into defending his omni-presence, which I believe in whole-heartedly, what good is it having a God that's everwhere yet invisible and emotionally distant? In other words, though there's some benefit to him being with me without me knowing it, it's not good enough for me. I'm not interested in having all the benefits of his presence (protection or whatever) without that knowing that he's with me. As far as I can tell, I'll sink down to the pit of hell every time I feel abandoned by God. And yes, I'm not theologically/doctrinally deficient. I know the truth about his love but I need to experience it. I have before, I know I will again, but WHEN?

3. I'm really mad at some other people too. I'm saying who or why, just suffice to say it's not any of you reading my blog. This may be at the root of all this. Very possibly the case. Anger give a mighty foothold... Anyway, at the moment I don't care.

Why write all this? Two reasons really. First, I was hoping that by putting some of this out in the light would give the Holy Spirit a good opportunity to convict me. Let's face it, there's no other hope for me. Second, I was hoping that some of you would pray for me. I know there's such a thing as joy, but I've really became 'ensnared again' by legalism and it's much tougher leaving behind the teaching of demons than I realized. I did it once before, but the second time the temptation is to let my pride come in and make me not want to confess I was so stupid twice. Well, you can't say I didn't tell you. I'm a fool. And I'm not saying that to make you feel sorry for me. In reality, it brings me to the most hopeful thing of all:

1Co 1:26 For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and our righteousness and sanctification and redemption.
Therefore, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."

Weakness is good, weakness is good, weakness is only feels so bad when we're trying to boast about anything other than Jesus. And I'll end with my warning. Legalism will get you every time, don't dabble even the slightest with it. If you think you're strong enough to live around it and it not affect you, you're wrong. Avoid it like the plague. Confront any small sign of it immediately, resolutely, firmly, lovingly in any person you know and care about. Don't let it slide and don't be deceived by it's pretty exterior. It will turn you into a whitewashed tomb every time, and you will be useless to build anything of eternal value. I firmly believe that the road of legalism ends with the scariest words of all time "Depart from me for I never knew you".

Surprisingly, it felt good to write this. Sorry it may not be so nice to read it!


SteveLaBs said...

We will continue to pray and will talk more soon!

Love you guys

- Steve & Katie

Faith said...

Been there.
Done That.
Praying for you.

I also wanted to pass on these suggestions:
Take your vitamin, take an extra suppliment of B12 as well.
Get as much sunlight and fresh air as you can.
Get as much rest as you can. (GO TO BED EARLY!!! :-) )
Eat as much fresh fruits and vegetables as you can.
Cuddle with your children as much as you can.
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE as much as you can: Find a MOPS group or a Beth Moore Bible Study, or a Moms in Touch group at a nearby church, you can go to their websites and find one near you usually.
Immerse yourself in BEAUTY as much as you can. Like go to the gardens, or a zoo.
Pray God's word over your anger & hurt. Beth Moore has got a great book called "Praying God's Word" in the back it's got great verse on fear and a section on anger. I used my concordance to find other verses, like on how God is my refuge, it was very helpful. Theres a verse I read from John Piper's book "When I Don't Desire God" that I love to pray over my dark days and it is Micah 7:8
Get some exercise.
Talk about what's going on to people you trust.

Sorry this is so bulletted. I'll be praying that this season of depression will pass soon or that God will draw very near to you in it.

Mandy Snider said...

Hey Jewel! (You are a jewel!) Sometimes I wonder why bad things happen to good people and why God seems to hide sometimes. I like Psalm 23, “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no harm because you are by my side. Your rod and staff give me courage.” You are in the valley, but He hasn’t left you. He wanted you to choose to serve Him, not to be a robot and just serve Him because He made you to do so. Since He gave us the CHOICE, there was also another choice: the way of the evil one. The evil one rules this Earth and is vying for your ‘choice’. Don’t give it to him!! “Suffering comes with the freedom to choose.” Something I read recently that I thought was helpful:

“Without pangs of conscience, the daily dissatisfaction of boredom, or the empty longing for significance, people who are made to find satisfaction in an eternal Father would settle for far less. The example of Solomon, lured by pleasure and taught by his pain, shows us that even the wisest among us tend to drift from good and from God until arrested by the resulting pain of their own shortsighted choices (Ecclesiastes 1-12; Psalms 78:34-35; Romans 3:10-18).”

If the Lord DIDN’T love you, I don’t think you’d be experiencing this pain, Jewel. That doesn’t make it go away, but hopefully it will help you to make your next choice. I prayed for you this morning and this came to mind. I will keep praying for you – even though I am a rookie and I’m in another valley close by to yours.. haha.. Hopefully, it will still be somewhat meaningful. We are doing a series at church about When God Hides and why we suffer. I could come over and drag you there with me if you want! (oh, don’t tempt me, I WILL!!) You’re not even safe in your bed!!

Though I get hung-up with my own issues, yours are so important to me! Thanks for being so strong to blog the world your personal strife while I’m cowering behind every bush! You make me think (which is much like trying to start an old lawn mower.) I appreciate you!

jul said...

Thank you all for your prayers. Thanks to you Steve and Katie for being our friends and to you Mandy for all your encouragent. Thanks Faith for all your good suggestions. I have some excellent B vitamins that are pretty much indispensable to me, and I also have Piper's When I Don't Desire God. I think it's one of my favorites from him. We are currently down to one vehicle which makes it challenging to go anywhere, and we don't live in a very beautiful place (at the moment).