It's always a little difficult trying to decide how much to share here on the World Wide Web. Anyone could read what I've written and that helps me try to be somewhat responsible. I know--not my strong suit. My strong suit, if I have one, is being honest about what I really think, feel,or know to be true. I think it might actually help me to write about what I'm thinking and feeling lately, even though it's far from pretty. Obviously this is still not the appropriate place to 'let it all out' but there are some things I can share that I think it would be wrong to hide from the people I know and love. And believe me, I would like to hide it all. From previous experience I know that hiding and running is not the answer to my problem, so as I've done before, I'll warn you that you may not want to continue reading if you're uncomfortable with 'personal stuff'.
So with that, I'll settle in for some humble pie, not just a little piece either. The 3 things that I've been ignoring for months now are:
1. I'm depressed. It's pretty bad, and I'm a little in shock. In fact, in the 11 years we've been married Aaron has never seen me like this, and I'm not at my worst...yet. I thought I would never get to this place again and frankly I'm not enjoying it. It's much worse with 3 kids to take care of in the middle of it. I want to die or leave, and spend most of my days thinking and planning how to do one or the other. Not practical solutions to the problem however.
2. I'm really mad at God. I've said lots of terrible (not to mention untrue) things to him and about him. I've dared him to strike me dead, told him off when he didn't, ect... Why am I so agry? As much time and energy as I recently put into defending his omni-presence, which I believe in whole-heartedly, what good is it having a God that's everwhere yet invisible and emotionally distant? In other words, though there's some benefit to him being with me without me knowing it, it's not good enough for me. I'm not interested in having all the benefits of his presence (protection or whatever) without that knowing that he's with me. As far as I can tell, I'll sink down to the pit of hell every time I feel abandoned by God. And yes, I'm not theologically/doctrinally deficient. I know the truth about his love but I need to experience it. I have before, I know I will again, but WHEN?
3. I'm really mad at some other people too. I'm saying who or why, just suffice to say it's not any of you reading my blog. This may be at the root of all this. Very possibly the case. Anger give a mighty foothold... Anyway, at the moment I don't care.
Why write all this? Two reasons really. First, I was hoping that by putting some of this out in the light would give the Holy Spirit a good opportunity to convict me. Let's face it, there's no other hope for me. Second, I was hoping that some of you would pray for me. I know there's such a thing as joy, but I've really became 'ensnared again' by legalism and it's much tougher leaving behind the teaching of demons than I realized. I did it once before, but the second time the temptation is to let my pride come in and make me not want to confess I was so stupid twice. Well, you can't say I didn't tell you. I'm a fool. And I'm not saying that to make you feel sorry for me. In reality, it brings me to the most hopeful thing of all:
1Co 1:26 For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and our righteousness and sanctification and redemption.
Therefore, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."
Weakness is good, weakness is good, weakness is good...it only feels so bad when we're trying to boast about anything other than Jesus. And I'll end with my warning. Legalism will get you every time, don't dabble even the slightest with it. If you think you're strong enough to live around it and it not affect you, you're wrong. Avoid it like the plague. Confront any small sign of it immediately, resolutely, firmly, lovingly in any person you know and care about. Don't let it slide and don't be deceived by it's pretty exterior. It will turn you into a whitewashed tomb every time, and you will be useless to build anything of eternal value. I firmly believe that the road of legalism ends with the scariest words of all time "Depart from me for I never knew you".
Surprisingly, it felt good to write this. Sorry it may not be so nice to read it!