Doubt, Discouragement...Hunger! (a bit of rambling)

I am a passionate person, I don't know of anyone who knows me who would disagree. I am hot or cold, I am extreme, intense. I'm not saying I can't be relaxed because more and more I'm just peaceful and relaxed. But when I believe something, I really believe it! Funnily enough this can lead me to get discouraged and doubt I mean doubt everything. When I don't see healing, or financial provision, or changes in people/relationships, or whatever, I get angry sometimes. I start thinking that maybe this God stuff is all my imagination, that maybe none of it is real. Like I said, I'm either hot or cold!

But generally my extreme doubts, anger, discouragement, even depression all add up to one thing--hunger. I am starving for intimacy, a fresh experience, a fresh conversation, with Jesus. I just miss him. Do you know what I mean? I think my Christian experience has been pretty broad, non-charismatic and charismatic, arminian and calvinist, etc... But every church I've ever been part of has had legalism as a common denominator.

Some mixed in a little law, some alot. Some were honest about it, some called it 'grace'. But even if the methods or doctrines about getting God to show up or do something were different, they all had methods. Some believed that prayer was the key (yeah, I've read Ravenhill and God knows how many others), some believe if you really want something (revival anyone?) than add fasting to that. Some say confessions of sin and repentance is key, actually, many claim this on both arminian and calvinist sides. We must consecrate the temple, purify it, clean it out or the Holy Spirit will not fill the temple (this leans very heavily on OT imagery obviously). I'm pretty sure there's a bunch of people who believe that faith and the word of faith (speaking things out) is the key to getting whatever it is that you need.

I believe that faith and prayer are great, but they are the fruit of the answer, not the answer. There is no method for receiving any of God's blessings, the greatest of which is his constant presence. I'm tired of begging God for what I need or want, especially begging for him to reveal himself, manifest himself to me.

You see, when I first started listening to Rob Rufus, getting my first real glimpse of the glorious gospel of grace, I would be caught up in a crazy swirl of joy and love, it was euphoric and it would last for hours sometimes. I would wake up in the night and God's presence was so real! His voice was so clear! It was beautiful and wonderful. At any moment in the day I could say "God, you there?" and he would be there in this tangible powerful way. I was so caught up in his love!

But then something really weird happened, which I don't think I've shared with anyone but Aaron. One night after listening to some grace preaching I was lying in bed still caught up in God's glorious presence and I must have drifted off to sleep. I was woken up by such an evil presence that was paralyzing me so that I could not speak without a pronounced effort. Finally I said "Jesus" and the evil presence left.

Now, things like this had happened to me lots of times before, but for some reason this experience had a horrible effect on me. Because I fell asleep in God's presence and woke up in fear, in my mind God's presence just kind of turned on me so to speak. It's really strange, but especially at first I could not experience God's presence anymore the way I had been because every time he came I became afraid, I instinctively withdrew. Very very strange, since in general I'm not afraid of demons (apart from the initial reaction when you're first caught off guard or you're having a dream) Over time the effects have been dulled and of course I've experienced God's presence many times, but it has never been the same.

I know this is a very weird story but I guess I don't care what people think of me so much. I don't really know why I'm sharing it in relation to this post but I think I'll just leave it for whatever it's worth.

Anyway, I don't appreciate worship songs that are begging for God to come or whatever. I think they ignore the fact that he has come, Jesus has come and made a way for us to enter into the holy of holies! There is a new a living way, not a dead ritualistic way that sends in the holiest guy you can find with a rope tied around his leg hoping he can please God enough to get everyone safely through another year.

Now we have a great high priest who has entered the holy place with his own blood. Did God strike him down? Or is the blood of Jesus so superior to the blood of bulls and goats that God had to strike down the whole system? The curtain was torn from top to bottom because for any other sacrifice to be offered after the blood of Jesus had been sprinkled would have been blasphemy. Think about that!

We are not beggars, we are sons! We live in our father's kingdom, we carry out his word, his work, with authority. There is no power on earth that can stop us from victory! There is no power on earth that can keep us from our father and his love.

I'm putting up another song that I love. I love it because it doesn't say "will you come" it says "you will come". Now yes, he is already here, but he also promised to come! He said where two or three were gathered he'd be there, he also said "I will never leave you". So both are true, but in either case, there's no place for begging unless you are under the law and still a slave. But I am not!

Remembering Old Friends...

I haven't written very much, or at least not plainly, about our years spent in Sovereign Grace Ministries, mostly at Covenant Fellowship. But I guess we spent 7 or 8 years of our lives there, pretty intensely committed years actually. As a result, even though we left SGM behind more than 2 years ago, I still often find myself thinking and praying for many of the people and pastors we know from that time ( I would start listing off names but that would take a long time...). Not often do we actually get to see or talk to any of them though! I think this is in large part due to the fact that we now live in another country! But even before that, there seemed to be a painful separation that happened when we left, and though it was not all unnatural or unexpected it was still painful, difficult, and lonely.

Well, all water under the bridge as they say! The pain has passed and Jesus has brought us into joyful freedom such as we never dared dream could exist this side of heaven. But I still often remember many people very fondly and miss the amazing people we were privileged to get to know and serve beside. And I still pray for them all... So if you happen to be one of those people and you get to read this, then I hope you had a very merry Christmas and that the year 2009 will be a year of great joy, peace, and freedom. And may the unfading glory of the New Covenant light up your world with fresh revelations of who Jesus is! I also wanted to dedicate this song to you all with much love (including my newer SGM friends like you Janelle) because every time I listen to it I think of you all, besides, I just love it myself! Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys it, I think you will...

Spiritual Bulimia

There are those who, as they listen to the good news of Jesus, nod their heads and smilingly agree with everything. They say they love grace! They might even get tears in their eyes when telling of God's amazing mercies, of his salvation available to anyone who believes in his Son and his finished work on the cross. Yep, they might even be able to powerfully preach the whole truth of the Gospel, passionately expounding on the wonders of justification through grace alone, by faith alone. They will tell you that salvation is a free gift from God, that no man should boast.

And at the end of this feast of truth, this love feast of the body and blood of Jesus, they will stick their pointy finger of law down your throat and you will lose every benefit of what you just ate.

For health reasons, I recommend you avoid such teaching...


"For if I rebuild what I tore down, I prove myself to be a transgressor. For through the law I died to the law, so that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose."
Galatians 2:18-21


Please do not receive anything that nullifies the grace of God, no matter how much you may love and respect the person serving up law, and no matter how much 'grace' they may mix in with it. It can only make a mockery of Jesus' sacrifice and make you very sick.

God, God, lift the veils from our faces! We choose Jesus, and forever forsake the folly of self-righteousness! Open our eyes to you! We want nothing to do anymore with the lies of religion, lies that say we can accomplish anything for you, but we receive all that you have accomplished for us. We rise up into our new life, our new marriage, with our new Husband and we rejoice in your love! The old is gone and the new has come! Forgetting what is behind, we press on toward the goal, finding strength keeps coming to us when we know we should be tired. We have the high of all runners' highs, because we run with your everlasting everfilling power gushing into us and out of us. When our minds and bodies get tired, we rest with no fear of falling behind or missing a blessing, and you refresh us with your love. You, you are our greatest blessing and you promised to never leave us, never be angry with us, never fail us or stop loving us. In you I have everything I ever dreamed of, in me I have everything my heart desires; YOU.

A Few More Initial Thoughts on Lakeland Outpouring....

I've been watching a few clips online of some of what's been going on in Florida where Todd Bentley is. The one I just watched was of a pastor from Ignited Church, I think, who have been hosting this whole thing. I confess to being a little concerned...but maybe not for the typical reasons! He was speaking, just before taking up an offering, about sowing into the revival for breakthrough in your life. Now, I have no problem asking for money if money is needed. That is, in a straightforward way let people know the financial needs your facing and ask for generosity as led by the Spirit. But in the context of such a legalistic church culture, I have a big big problem with making people feel that in any way at all they need to give in order to receive from God. That's plainly Old Covenant, and it undermines the gospel and will eventually undermine any work God is trying to do!

But I'm not saying this to be critical, I'm asking those of you who really understand what I'm talking about to pray with me that God would send many great men and women of God to these meetings to inject them with grace! If this dynamic move of God can be strong in both supernatural miracles as firmly rooted in revelations of grace, then the sky is the limit! But if a bit of law gets mixed in faith will be largely nullified and people will be hindered in receiving from God, because they will base how much they receive on how much they perceive they 'deserve' and not on how much Jesus has earned on their behalf. Satan will have a field day in the end, and many confused people will think God has backed off because of their unworthiness of some kind and leaders will start calling for 'personal holiness' or 'more prayer and fasting' or well, who knows, but guilt and condemnation will come and put out any remaining embers of this outpouring very quickly.

I'm not trying to be a prophet of doom at all! I believe amazing revelations of grace have been going out into the whole world for the past few years, and not without reason! It has been to prepare us for these days, and we need to stop sitting back timidly allowing our brothers and sisters to be duped any longer by doctrines of demons that have been controlling the church for centuries. It's time for freedom to break free! And yes, this means war, a civil war. Many in the church are choosing to fight the Holy Spirit and the Good News in order to maintain their control and self-righteous sense of security, but many many more are longing for true freedom and intimate relationship with God.

Here's a part from one of Rob's Invading the Impossible messages, he's talking about some things Bill Johnson said in the first part:

But he said, there is a civil war coming to the church and brother will fight brother on the issue of the goodness of God. It is an issue of law and grace - those that are standing for preaching the law and condemnation and those that are preaching the goodness of God. There are people preaching that God is bringing the storms and God is shaking the world and God is killing people with storms. Bill Johnson said - did you EVER see Jesus bless a storm?! No, He commanded them to stop! And He expects the Church to do the same thing!

You say oh rubbish Rob! Well what did He say when they woke Him up? He said, "Oh ye of little faith" - He wanted them to do it! So civil war is coming to the church - and I can just feel it. It is an issue of law and grace - it is an issue of the goodness of God. Bill said there are people preaching that God gives you cancer. That is a LIE! Jesus is perfect Theology and He healed them ALL! Every person! So did the Book of Acts in Acts 5. He said;

"I hope the civil war takes place in the right context and not for the world to watch".

You know the exciting part about the civil war word? I got a kind of related word almost a year ago, God spoke to me after I read a short biography of Harriet Tubman and said that we were part of his underground railway, that we were to help people get out of slavery one by one until the Great Emancipation when he would set many many free at once! But what came before the Great Emancipation could? Civil war. And we already know that freedom will win out! Jesus has already delivered the death blow to sin and death, and every evil power has been crushed and defeated.

So let's all pray that God continues to work in power, and that he pours out his Spirit all over the world and his glory covers the earth. And let's ask him to pour out revelations of grace on all of us, and let the prophets rise up with glorious words of the NEW COVENANT, leaving what is old and obsolete behind for good...

Aaron is here!!!

He's been here since Saturday and we've even had a couple of days all by ourselves on the beautiful Prince Edward Island. Keep praying that all will go well with finding a job, car, place to live, and immigration. It's pretty complicated moving from one country to another. It's very good to have him with us again--the kids were very happy to see him to say the least. Hopefully the church thing will begin to take shape soon as well, any ideas for a name? We're leaning toward "New Covenant Grace Church" (I hope I'm allowed to divulge that information haha). And just for the fun of it I'll put up a couple of pictures as well.

Now That I KNOW the Gospel!!!

I have to say that one of the most exciting things about this amazing ongoing revelation of pure grace that Aaron and I have been living in for the past few months is that we are 'getting' the gospel for the first time. I mean, we've understood parts of it at different times, and we had a mostly true cerebral understanding of what the gospel was, but now we are really really KNOWING it. It's changing our lives completely, almost as if (ahem) it had some kind of power over us and in us!

The glorious thing about it is that is seems the more revelation we receive the more it just keeps on coming. It started out slowly but now it's as if we receive fresh revelation every day and it's incredibly exciting to have all that Bible knowledge that once puffed us up come to life in the Spirit (or be put to death by the Spirit if it was a wrong understanding). When I was home in Canada recently, I began to be excited just thinking about preaching this message of pure grace to the people there. I have an ever-growing confidence that this is the best and most powerful way to change the whole world, and that as we are committed to immersing ourselves in pure grace we'll take the wonderful glorious presence of Jesus with us everywhere we go. I'm no longer worried about have powerful gifts of healing or miracles because I believe they will naturally and effortlessly flow when we boldly live in pure grace (yes Rob, we are really getting it!). Evangelism will literally be a breeze, or perhaps more like a hurricane!

And to all those who are skeptical that grace is really that powerful and we really need a little bit of law or guidelines or suggestions to keep us going in the right direction:

I just have to thank God for many answers to prayer, answers that are being realized for the first time and all since we have begun to come more and more into true grace. I was watching my husband last night singing worship songs and taking an opportunity to preach grace a bit (at a birthday party no less) and I can tell you he's a different man than he was even a month ago. I almost don't even know him. There is a boldness and fiery passion rising up in him that is (I think) apostolic. Increasingly he won't stand for even a hint of law and will graciously but fiercely fight for grace in people's lives. This from a guy who was so bound up in legalism and fear of man that I used to wonder if he cared about anything much, he lacked passion so badly. He lived in constant defeat and condemnation. Basically, I'm watching him pass from the ministry of death into the ministry of life. And it's happening to me too.

I realize that using phrases like 'pure grace' and 'true gospel' aren't very helpful. I mean lots of people steeped in law use these kinds of words too. They just don't know what they're talking about! I think I'll have to put together something just telling the gospel as I see it in Scripture to give an idea of what I actually mean. I want to see it myself, as I think I'll be surprised what comes out of me...

My New Prayer List

I know I don't normally support lists and things like that, but recently I have come up with a prayer list. There's only one thing on it as it's very specific one. It's called "All I want for my anniversary, birthday, christmas, and anything else for a long time". I suppose that sounds selfish... But I can tell you I will be persistently banging on the Father's door for this one.

Good Smiling SIGH....In His Presence! And I'm Addicted...

I just got back from the first night of a conference called The Kingdom of God being held at the VCF (at the Barn). We started going back to the VCF at the Barn a few weeks ago. They are now in their new building (going on 3 weeks now) and it's been great. I mean, the building is nice, but God's presence has been distinctly more, well, present. For me it's been so refreshing.

The speaker at this conference is a man named Steve Robbins and he basically told a bit of his story tonight. Basically, he got saved during the Jesus People thing and eventually met John Wimber and ended up being at the meeting (where his wife was miraculously healed of MS) that started the whole Vineyard movement. I think I got that right... Anyway as he was speaking, it was as if the presence of God got stronger and stronger until he began to pray to open up ministry time. As soon as he prayed 'Holy Spirit come' I experienced the heavy presence of God. My body felt like some weird combination of numb and floating and then I was trembling as his wife and others gave very specific words of knowledge and people identified themselves for prayer. It was absolutely deliciously wonderful...and I'm not satisfied.

One of the words was for anyone who wanted their senses to be touched. It's hard to explain, but sensitized to the spirit realm and she specifically mentioned smell and smelling God. So of course, since I've had an ongoing fascination and desire to smell God I went forward. I received prayer and just enjoyed more of God's presence though I didn't smell anything. This doesn't bother me much since I usually have delayed reactions hehe. When I was prayed for to receive the gift of tongues I didn't starting speaking (well in tongues that is) until about a week later at a very random moment. I have to agree with one of my newer blogging friends (Peter Day)that:

"...But I think if I wasn't criticised for being too charismatic, I would be worried..."

Well, I've certainly jumped into the crazy pool with this post, so I guess it's only appropriate to end with the classic Vineyard prayer, "MORE LORD!!!!!"

Compassion, Loving Our Enemies, and Fighting Our REAL Enemy

I just looked at an article by a well respected Christian leader (fundamental, non-charismatic) and felt saddened by how much effort we put into attacking people in the world. It doesn't matter who it was or what it was about, it's easy to find books, articles, sermons, etc...that people have poured endless hours of time and energy into to combat the church's perceived enemies. I suppose included in that list would be pornographers, Hollywood, abortionist rights people, liberal political adherents, feminists, the homosexual community, people in other religions, atheists/humanists, other believers with different theological bents, and the list goes on and on. We often view anyone who passionately fights for beliefs different than our own as our enemies, people who are trying to destroy us and everything we stand for (and sometimes they really are).


It seems the common way of dealing with these 'enemies' is to fight back. Now as good Christians we normally fight back with lots of words and little else, but our attitude towards our enemies is certainly often less than compassionate and loving.
Jesus said:

"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those that persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven." (Mat. 5:43-44)

I suspect that there's a good reason behind why Jesus told us to love our enemies. First of all, these enemies are souls he loves and wants to save, kind of like he saved us while we were still his enemies. Second of all, when our attention is focused on flesh and blood enemies, we forget about our real enemy who is not flesh and blood. I think the word 'pray' is a little tip-off that those who persecute us need prayer. They are prisoners and slaves of Satan and need to be set free! In fact, all humans, whether believers or not, have a common enemy. Satan is trying to destroy and devour all of us, hating us because we bear the image of God. When you see this, it's becomes normal for us to view unbelievers with love and compassion. I mean, they are in the unfortunate position of being caught between two enemies--God who must pour out his wrath on sinners, and Satan who hates, lies, steals, accuses, and destroys anything God made. There is only one hope for them: Jesus Christ.

Let's not forget Ephesians 6:

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the authorities, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."

You see, fighting against people is a waste of our time. It will not bear the fruit we were meant to bear and quite frankly, it's beneath us! We have been empowered and commissioned with the authority of Jesus to stand against the schemes of the devil and wrestle against every demonic power this world has. And as we do that, we release the captive souls and set prisoners free to worship our Father in heaven. We take back this world for our King, the only Eternal Glorious King of Kings.


So I think the right response to people who persecute us is not to persecute them back with our hard words, but love them and pray them into the Kingdom of Heaven. I think that is a tactic our 'enemies' will find difficult to stand against!

Walking with God

Now that the weather is finally nice I've been walking every night, usually by myself or with Isaac in the stroller. It's been great just to talk with God and meditate on whatever truth he brings to my mind. Little by little I am beginning to sense his presence again. So my recommendation of the day is to take a little walk with Jesus, you'll walk farther, feel better, and accomplish something more important than anything else you've got on your list--being with your Creator.



This reminds me of one of my favorite songs as a child:

In God's Green Pastures

In God’s green pastures feeding,
By His cool waters lie,
Soft in the evening walk my Lord and I
All the sheep of His pastures fare so wondrously fine-
His sheep am I

Waters cool
Pastures green
On the mountain
Walk my Lord and I

Dark the Night
Rough the way
Step by Step
My Lord and I

In God’s green pastures feeding,
By His cool waters lie,
Soft in the evening walk my Lord and I
All the sheep of His pastures fare so wondrously fine-
His sheep am I

Did anybody else sing this song? It brings back such good memories of just being with God. As a somewhat less-than-popular kid, God was always my best friend and I was in constant conversation with him (even out loud, which could explain why I didn't have many other friends hehe). I could relate to this song perfectly and that's what I'm wanting in my life now.

Grace, God's Voice, and a New Club...

Can't help but wake up this morning and write a note of thanksgiving. I have a migraine, stemming from my chronic shoulder pain but it's worth it at the moment. I woke up at 4:30 this morning, but since I got to bed early it wasn't so bad. And then, as is habitual with me, I began talking to God. Sometimes I use the time to complain to God about not letting me sleep, sometimes I pray for people, sometimes I just think and dialogue with him. I started out this morning praying for people, and then I entered into the whole grace dilemma I previously wrote about. I just started telling God how much I missed him, missed his tangible manifest presence in my life, and I asked him to come back and He actually started speaking to me. Of course, he's been with me all along just as he promised he would be. Of course he's spoken to me at times even through this long, dry and barren desert place. But I was so happy just to hear words of hope and encouragement. He even temporarily removed the worst of my pain and let me go back to sleep! I say temporarily because it's back and he let me understand that it would be, giving me instructions on how to deal with the problem of my shoulder (which I believe he will fully heal in his time).

I realize this whole post puts me in the charismatic nut job category and quite frankly I don't care. I grew up in a non-charismatic church/home and have had this relationship with God since before I can remember. In other words, I pity those believers who have honestly never had a conversation with God. Just for the record, I don't put authority in what I subjectively 'hear', but all authority is from Scripture. Believe me, God doesn't say anything that isn't rooted in Scripture, he just says is in a way that I understand it better, if that makes sense.

Anyway, back to the conversation. As you all know, I've been recently struggling with how to move from living in legalism to living in grace. I'm not sure I can remember everything, but I'll detail what I do remember (it will help me even if it bores readers hehe). For one thing, he reminded me that I am a brother/sister of Jesus. I'm from the same family and I can do the same things. I can heal people, I can tell people the truth with power. I can have that same kind of relationship with the Father. I know it doesn't sound impressive, but revelation is impressive because it turns on all the lights inside of you and you finally really get it. Revelation plants truth so deep inside you that you'll never forget it and forever no matter how far you stray from it you'll always come back to that truth. That's why knowledge is so weak. You can easily change your mind, but when you've had revelation from God you will stand firm on that truth.

What was so encouraging was just being in God's presence and him letting me know that the answer I'm looking for is just that. To live in grace is to live in him, his tangible manifest presence. To go through my days hand in hand with him, sharing every moment with him, being WITH HIM. Of course he's with me all the time as a believer, but there is a big difference between this objective truth and the experience of it. And there's a difference between him being with me and me abiding in him. There's nothing I've ever wanted more than this life of living in him, being always aware that he's with me. I've lived that way before and it's the most wonderful joyful abundant life imaginable. And I know I was just discovering the tip of an amazing iceberg of him and his love and grace and beauty and power.

Incidentally, just one encounter like this will have me singing songs to him, talking about him, and rushing eagerly off to read his Word for quite some time. So this is the answer, which is not far off from what I thought. The answer to living in grace is having an encounter--yes, a personal encounter--with the Great Eternal Living God.

My proposal for the new club is the "8:30 P.M. club". But since some of you work jobs that require staying awake at night, I'll change it to the "Get More Sleep" club. The premise being that the longer we stay in bed, the more we might willingly converse with God 'in the watches of the night'. But really you know I'm joking and we should pray without ceasing wherever we are. I think my bed in the middle of the night is my place right now because my days are so busy and noisy. God is not content to let me go without the joy of his presence in the quiet moments I do have. There's something special and unique about the quiet moments, though he's with us in the busy noisy times as well.

Just to leave a more credible thinker's thoughts on the subject, here's a quote from Spurgeon, from a sermon called "Mysterious Visit", on the text "Thou hast visited me in the night" (Psalm 17:3).

"For our Lord to visit us is something more than for us to have the assurance of our salvation, though that is very delightful, and none of us should rest satisfied unless we possess it. To know that Jesus loves me, is one thing; but to be visited by Him in love, is more. Nor is it simply a close contemplation of Christ; for we can picture Him as exceedingly fair and majestic, and yet not have Him consciously near us. Delightful and instructive as it is to behold the likeness of Christ by meditation, yet the enjoyment of His actual presence is something more. I may wear my friend's portrait about my person, and yet may not be able to say, 'Thou hast visited me.' It is the actual, though spiritual, coming of Christ which we so much desire...By 'spiritual' we do not mean unreal; in fact, the spiritual takes the lead in real-ness to spiritual men. I believe in the true and real presence of Jesus with his people: such presence has been real to my spirit. Lord Jesus, Thou Thouself hast visited me."

Healing

I really believe in healing. I attribute this to the fact that the Bible really says God will heal us. A couple of months ago, I had the privelege to observe Terry Virgo laying hands on people and praying for healing. It was a memorable experience. One woman in particular I will always remember. He prayed for her and then asked if the pain was gone, to which she responded "no". So what do you think he did? Apologize and move on? Pretend the healing might "kick in" later? He kept praying, and praying harder until she joyfully shouted out "it's gone, the pain is gone!" and proceeded to have him pray for another problem she had and was also healed of that pain. I'm not trying to say that God never sovereignly ordains pain and sickness (in fact, he's completely in charge at all times), but how often do we fail to earnestly seek God's face to find his will about situations instead of sitting back and just letting "Fate" decide?

My Dad always said ( and he was no charismatic) that you shouldn't go to pray for the sick without knowing whether it was God's will to heal them or not. You should always be able to pray in faith, in the Spirit, praying the very heart of God over them. He has always testified that though he was not given the 'gift of healing', there were however specific times that God told him to pray for healing and in each case the person was healed. He taught me that you don't show up and pray "whatever your will Lord, do it" but you take the time to find out the Lord's will is, and then pray it! Of course there will be times when He hides his specific plan for us and others, but most of the time, I think He's calling us nearer through our not knowing, waiting to reveal his will at the right moment.

"He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus..." (1 Corinthians 1:30)

You are the source of my life. If I try to live and draw life from any other source, it will be in vain. I will be sucking in death. My spirit would shrivel up and convulse and struggle for life, but there would be none if you did not come and save me--breathing your very own Spirit into me, giving me life in your Son, in you. You are life itself. There is no life outside of you, only death and evil. I want to be in you , in Christ, in your Spirit. IN.

You have called me out of the world, out of my sin, out of death, out of fear, out of hell. You have called me into your presence, into your light, into your life, into your truth, into Christ, into your Spirit, into heaven, into love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Into you, where I may abide at all times in your grace. I don't want to exist if it is outside of you. Is that not the difference between acceptance and rejection? Whether or not I am in you? With your or against you? But what rejection will I count if you have accepted me in? None. It is inconsequential. It is impotent. Nothing will come of it. You are the only life and only Judge. If I stand before you in Christ, what have I to fear? I have all joy and peace. I have more or as much as any person who has or will ever live. I am satisfied and then over whelmed. Your goodness is too much for me, you have to reveal only very small amounts to me at a time, and I can barely take in that. Your goodness is not like our 'niceness'--it is Strong and All-Powerful and All - Victorious and Terrible in Might and Majesty.

You have described being in you to be like eating and drinking. Show me how to eat your Word and drink your Spirit. This is food which would never fail to satisfy and drink to quench the deepest thirst of my soul. I would never want any other drink. It must be intoxicating and life-giving. May the Bread of Heaven be the food I never fast from --Lord, make me insatiable for you. Show me the depths and heighths of this kind of joy.