I wrote this a while back in response to the question of whether or not we may lose our salvation. It was specifically in regards to fear and uncertainty...
I understand where you're coming from with the depression thing, I can so relate to the temptation to want to throw my hands up in the air and give up on it all! And in essence, that is what I finally did, just not in the way the old serpent was hoping for haha!
That merry-go-round you're talking about is lawgracelawgrace around and around, up and down. Roller coaster Christianity that depends on my performance, oh yes, by God's grace of course, but I must 'appropriate' the grace, or yes but we must 'balance' the grace. As a child of God slightly less brave than Paul, I can't write the words I really want to, but let's just say that's all a bunch of rubbish, I mean the kind that needs to be flushed down the toilet.
All the wrestling and fighting and anger you experience is the kicking of a living spirit! Before you were born again, you were dead in your transgressions, but you are alive! The fact that you are alive shows me that you have been born again, born in the same manner that Jesus was when he entered the world as a little baby. He had this weak flesh like us, but he was without sin. His father was not Adam, but the Holy Spirit. And he was the first born of many brothers--us! We are like him, we have been recreated in his image. He has already dealt with our sin and he will return, not to deal with sin, but to give us immortal perfect flesh to house our already immortal perfect spirit!
Yes, it's good news!
Here are a few warnings for you: if you stray from the flock, Jesus will leave the 99 to come find you. If you take your father's resources and go out into the world and spend it all on liquor and loose women, your father will wait for your return and he will not be disappointed. If you think you can escape his love, be forewarned! You never can! He is your bridegroom and however many times you play the whore to the old impotent husband he will receive you back with joy! If you are angry with him, he will comfort you, he will listen, he will win you back again. You will never reach the end of his mercy, you will never be able to outrun his love. Where ever you may hide he will chase you down and coax you out into freedom and joy.
You are his and he is yours, forever.
This striving you are now experiencing is not for no purpose! You will soon enter his rest.