Wow, I guess I haven't written here for a long time! I've been busy, never forgetting about the good news but not having as much time to really write (uninterrupted that is). Looks like we'll be starting to have church soon and I'll keep everyone posted about that. It will be my Dad and Aaron taking care of worship and preaching/teaching for the most part, and I'll be figuring out something for children. Doesn't that sound really well organized? To be honest I'm pretty nervous about organizing anything, being part of 'church' in the formal sense but I'm also excited and so ready for fellowship and sharing good news, seeing people get free. I HATE seeing people suffering in fear and bondage and condemnation, HATE it. I want everybody to be happy! Not perfect, just happy--together!
Aaron and I got to go for a week long vacation to Mexico a month or two ago, all alone. He won the trip in a contest at work while I was still pregnant with Amilia, and it was so nice to be alone together just relaxing. When we got back home with Amilia (the other three stayed with their grandparents in Delaware for a few more weeks) I flew out to Toronto with her to visit my sister Kelly and her husband Mike and got to meet my nephew Fenn who had recently had surgery. He's doing well and is very very cute and personable. And cuddly too. We had a lot of fun together eating take-out Indian, battling each other on Super Mario Bros., going for walks etc...and I even got to see an old friend of mine that we once shared a house with way back in Fredericton. She's as crazy fun as ever, we had such a good time staying up way past our bedtime! Well that's the nutshell version of my summer so far! I've also been busy trying to get our health and nutrition in line so we all can feel better and have more energy and have been blogging about that on a different blog.
But the thing that's been on mind the most lately is relationships, you know, love and marriage stuff. In three days it will be our 15th anniversary. In one way it feels like some kind of accomplishment, in another way it seems that I've only just begun to get a glimpse of what unity in marriage really is. (And when I say 'marriage' I'm not talking about a legal contract or technicalities, I'm talking a true union of love, though we do happen to be legally married haha, can of worms now opened.)
Sometimes I feel almost as girlishly emotional and idealistic as I did at 18 walking down the aisle barefoot in my vintage dress, wreath of wildflower on my head. I still want to be loved and treasured far above any other woman by the same man, still dream of him being intoxicated by my beauty. I still daydream about him, and still get tingly at the thought of his touch.
Most days my main goal is to get him to myself for a few moments at the end of the day, not always an easy task with 4 kids to take care of. When I cook or clean, it's with him in mind, though I certainly am not the best housekeeper! When I wash dark clothes I put in lots of his socks because he hates it when he runs out of socks for work, and socks, or laundry in general, are not my strong point (I have a huge overflowing basket of unmatched socks ALWAYS). No matter what I'm thinking about, he's going to hear about it. We can still talk each other's ears off whether about our run-of-the-mill day or intense theological debates. We can still get on each other's nerves regularly, and we can still make the other cry though thankfully we don't fight as much as we used to!
Aaron is my best friend in the world. I can't imagine anything without him. He's the only man I've ever been with, the only man I need to be with. No one can make me feel as terrible as he can if he wants to (or unintentionally) but no one can make me feel so happy and loved either. I don't know if there are many people in today's world willing to risk the former in order to experience the latter, but I think many people are missing out on something amazing. We are one, we are so different but we are truly one. So many flaws in both of us, and we know each other's flaws very well. As we get older I think and hope we are learning to protect each other's weaknesses instead of selfishly exploit them or criticize them.
Coming into grace has been wonderful, really wonderful. I would go so far to say that it saved our marriage, getting out of legalistic religion. But, grace didn't make us perfect. We deal with many of the same issues we always have, maybe always will. But when we know that God loves us because he loves us, we can love each other 'just because'. Loving someone feels good, it is good. Of course it hurts sometimes, but it's worth it, I swear.
I write all of this even while being dissatisfied with some things, wanting more and yet, all the rest is still true. When will we make peace with the imperfection of our flesh? See it as so temporary, as so insignificant? The irony lies in the fact that until we believe we're ok exactly the way we are, in Christ, we will continue to fight an impossible uphill battle toward growth and maturity and change. We can only change when we know we are loved exactly as we are even if we never change, because then we are freed from shame and fear and feelings of unworthiness and we are able to truly love back.
So I hope you know, Aaron , that I think you're the sexiest man on the planet and I love you more than ever, you're the only one for me. Thanks for being with me for so long and hope you stick with me much longer. Happy Anniversary!