I know it's a little strange for this post to follow one about hearing angels singing, but there you have it. I want to know what happened to all the wonderful grace I'd been experiencing. To be quite honest, I'm feeling very tired, lonely, annoyed, impatient, and fat. I decided a few weeks ago to stop putting myself under law in the area of diet and stop obsessing over my body, and the result has been a 10 pound weight gain. This is not helpful! It has been better not weighing myself every 5 minutes all day long, but in the end I'm just living in the illusion that I'm not getting fatter, so I'm confused about the right course of action here.
Do I go back to dieting? I don't know. This is just one huge area of my life that seems untouched by grace, an area I still regularly experience guilt and condemnation, , so much so that when I go try on clothes in a store and look in the mirror I almost start crying such shame comes over me. If any of you men out there have ever told some woman in your life to stop talking about fat, I hope you can muster up a little compassion here! I don't think this is an easy thing to put up on my blog, but I know from experiecne that there are so many women who struggle with this (and some men too!) and I know that I know that God wants to bring me out the other side victorious so I can help others, but for the life of me I can't seem to see much hope right now. And so many other issues come out from this one, this problem of not liking yourself at a gut level (no pun intended hehe).
I guess instinctively I can see there's a demonic element behind this, as well as a defiency in my understanding and experience of truth. My temptation is always, go back to law. "See? This grace stuff doesn't really work, not in the real nitty-gritty stuff of life." I'm really confused. I think that's probably obvious! I have all sorts of pat answers swimming around in my head, but I want power! I want God to stop hiding from me, only showing up once in a while, even if when he does show up it's amazing. I want him every day every day, and for a time I did have him every day! Is the infatuation with grace over now? Can't I have more? The first place my mind goes when I'm not experiencing God the way I really want to is 'what am I doing wrong, or what can I do to get him to come back'. This is counterproductive I know but I don't know what to do, because I know the answer is not in my doing at all.
Well, I think this is getting to be a depressing post. And a confusing one. If anyone has a word for me I'd love to hear it, though in this area I'm really struggling right now, I do want to throw it out there that all in my life is not so bleak! In some ways I feel like a spoiled child even talking about this, God has been so good to me, it's just I'm not satisfied and I know there's more I'm missing...and I know he wants to give me what I'm asking for.
Showing posts with label confessions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confessions. Show all posts
Friday, January 18, 2008
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Using the Gift of Tongues
I think I recently mentioned in passing how I came to receive the gift of tongues. I guess it all came about during the summer of 1998 shortly after I was introduced to the charismatic world. But quite frankly, I couldn't find much use for it and rarely used it. There is precious little practical teaching on this gift, at least in the churches I've been in. Yes, I've heard brief exhortations to sing in tongues during worship or even to speak out (with interpretation) as God leads for corporate edification, but in the last ten years I think I've heard only one sermon on it (though I've heard brief explanations during Alpha week-ends as well). It was actually a good sermon too. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that all in all I've neglected this gift most of the time.
A while back I heard Jackie Pullinger To describe her personal experience with the gift of tongues and I could really identify with it. She never used it either until challenged by some Americans visiting her in Hong Kong many years ago. God used them to convict her of her foolishness in neglecting a gift he had given her and she promptly began speaking in tongues for 15 minutes a day though it didn't seem to do anything. It was shortly after she began doing this that she began to see incredible breakthroughs in her ministry. (You can listen to her speaking or check out her book Chasing the Dragon to get a more detailed and accurate account.) This has always stuck in my mind and it has served to remind me that if I've been given a gift, I need to use it!
So over the past few years I've slowly begun to just pray in tongues sometimes, whether I feel it accomplishes anything or not. Recently thought, I've really been thankful for it. I am now happy to report that I'm actually experiencing the reality of "...The one who speaks in a tongue builds up himself..." (I Cor. 14:4) Though I'm not using it every day, I'm using it far more regularly, and particularly in times of intercession, when my words seem to fall short, and also in times of need, such as in temptation, spiritual attack, etc... Of course I have to give an illustration.
The other day I was having a somewhat stressful day. Actually, most of my days are 'somewhat stressful'! Our two-year-old has been removing dirty diapers lately, along with all of his other usual disasters in every room of the house. And we are desperately trying to get our house in order so we can put it on the market. Well, this day I had already spent more than 2 hours trying to get this kid to take his nap. He can now climb out of his crib and cannot tell you how many times I disciplined him and put him back. Then my husband got home and commented on one of the lesser disasters I hadn't had time to clean up yet. I got angry, it wasn't pretty, I left the house for a couple of hours feeling lots of guilt and condemnation. I could recognize spiritual attack in the middle of it all as well, but just couldn't seem to find my way to the throne of grace. I went back home but nothing was resolved and I left again feeling depressed and hopeless. When I got home again, it was still terrible. I wouldn't even let Aaron pray for me.
Finally as I ran a bath it occurred to me that I could pray in tongues. I felt so relieved as soon as this thought came to me (thanks Holy Spirit!) and I immediately began praying and God's presence came back! Love and mercy came flooding over me and all the anger, bitterness, hopelessness, unforgiveness, I had been giving in to just gave way and was gone. You see, I had repented of my sin, but the enemy was just accusing me and telling me I couldn't have an uninterrupted relationship with my Father. I had to wait and suffer a bit you know. But when I started praying in the Spirit the power of the enemy was broken somehow.
I'm really beginning to value this 'lesser of gifts'. I think I've really been ashamed of it for a long time. My background in the Wesleyan Church, while good in so many ways, perhaps left me with this sense. They affirm every gift except tongues as a prayer language, which is viewed as divisive (which I'm sure can be true). I've even encountered a strange vehemence and hatred towards tongues from some people, some of whom I highly admire and respect. Growing up it was common to hear my parents and others saying things like "yes, they speak in tongues but you would never know it,they are so godly they would never talk about it". So I guess I have thought it's wrong to admit to having this gift! But Paul didn't seem to mind claiming to have it, and I've never heard of anyone keeping any other gift a secret (actually it sounds a bit like burying things...) So instead of being ashamed, I'm going to thank God that I'm speaking in tongues more and more and encourage all of you to do the same if you have this gift. And if you don't, than eagerly seek it along with the greater gifts!
A while back I heard Jackie Pullinger To describe her personal experience with the gift of tongues and I could really identify with it. She never used it either until challenged by some Americans visiting her in Hong Kong many years ago. God used them to convict her of her foolishness in neglecting a gift he had given her and she promptly began speaking in tongues for 15 minutes a day though it didn't seem to do anything. It was shortly after she began doing this that she began to see incredible breakthroughs in her ministry. (You can listen to her speaking or check out her book Chasing the Dragon to get a more detailed and accurate account.) This has always stuck in my mind and it has served to remind me that if I've been given a gift, I need to use it!
So over the past few years I've slowly begun to just pray in tongues sometimes, whether I feel it accomplishes anything or not. Recently thought, I've really been thankful for it. I am now happy to report that I'm actually experiencing the reality of "...The one who speaks in a tongue builds up himself..." (I Cor. 14:4) Though I'm not using it every day, I'm using it far more regularly, and particularly in times of intercession, when my words seem to fall short, and also in times of need, such as in temptation, spiritual attack, etc... Of course I have to give an illustration.
The other day I was having a somewhat stressful day. Actually, most of my days are 'somewhat stressful'! Our two-year-old has been removing dirty diapers lately, along with all of his other usual disasters in every room of the house. And we are desperately trying to get our house in order so we can put it on the market. Well, this day I had already spent more than 2 hours trying to get this kid to take his nap. He can now climb out of his crib and cannot tell you how many times I disciplined him and put him back. Then my husband got home and commented on one of the lesser disasters I hadn't had time to clean up yet. I got angry, it wasn't pretty, I left the house for a couple of hours feeling lots of guilt and condemnation. I could recognize spiritual attack in the middle of it all as well, but just couldn't seem to find my way to the throne of grace. I went back home but nothing was resolved and I left again feeling depressed and hopeless. When I got home again, it was still terrible. I wouldn't even let Aaron pray for me.
Finally as I ran a bath it occurred to me that I could pray in tongues. I felt so relieved as soon as this thought came to me (thanks Holy Spirit!) and I immediately began praying and God's presence came back! Love and mercy came flooding over me and all the anger, bitterness, hopelessness, unforgiveness, I had been giving in to just gave way and was gone. You see, I had repented of my sin, but the enemy was just accusing me and telling me I couldn't have an uninterrupted relationship with my Father. I had to wait and suffer a bit you know. But when I started praying in the Spirit the power of the enemy was broken somehow.
I'm really beginning to value this 'lesser of gifts'. I think I've really been ashamed of it for a long time. My background in the Wesleyan Church, while good in so many ways, perhaps left me with this sense. They affirm every gift except tongues as a prayer language, which is viewed as divisive (which I'm sure can be true). I've even encountered a strange vehemence and hatred towards tongues from some people, some of whom I highly admire and respect. Growing up it was common to hear my parents and others saying things like "yes, they speak in tongues but you would never know it,they are so godly they would never talk about it". So I guess I have thought it's wrong to admit to having this gift! But Paul didn't seem to mind claiming to have it, and I've never heard of anyone keeping any other gift a secret (actually it sounds a bit like burying things...) So instead of being ashamed, I'm going to thank God that I'm speaking in tongues more and more and encourage all of you to do the same if you have this gift. And if you don't, than eagerly seek it along with the greater gifts!
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
LEGALISM HURT OUR KIDS
This is probably the conclusion to my testimony about legalism in our family. I'm going to talk about how legalism affected ( and is still affecting) our relationship with our children. A large part of how legalism influenced our lives involves how we parented our children in a way that lacked grace, love, compassion, kindness, gentleness, patience, long-suffering, and encouragement.
In our understanding of what 'good' or Biblical parenting, discipline was central. We were taught that proper Biblical discipline involves discipline every time a child does not obey promptly and joyfully. To not discipline (spank) every time immediately was considered sin. ( Let me say that the method of spanking was very specific and not wrong in and of itself. It emphasized discipline is out of love and never anger.) This understanding of how to discipline our children became law to us. We felt guilty any time we didn't strictly adhere to the teaching, even if we felt led by God to deal with our children in a way other than the prescribed method. I also want to say that certain people were helpful to us by challenging these ideas (even pastors) but in a sense it seemed they were undermining the main principles being taught on a large scale. A little confusing...
Our children developed a strong sense that we were never happy with them. And often we weren't happy with them. After all, they weren't upholding the law we laid out for them which made our job of upholding the law far more difficult. When they failed, we failed more. This was another heavy weight added to our legalistic load. We wanted our little children to bear the heavy yoke with us but they weren't strong enough. Our oldest, our daughter, suffered the most, both because she understood more and is more sensitive.
We were focused on our children's sin. This is only natural when you are focused on your own sin all the time. Our home was not a sanctuary where God's kingdom presence was manifest, but a place where the sin of law and death emanated it sickening odors. We were all suffocating for lack of God's grace. We were trying to dominate and control our children instead of showing them the liberating freedom that Christ has for them. If we continued down this path I can see only two possible outcomes for our children (apart from God's divine intervention): depressed crushed spirits or outright rebellion against God. I believe legalism is the most common cause of children growing up and falling away from the church completely. I can't say I blame them and my heart breaks to see them encounter the Living God who brings true freedom, not another yoke of slavery.
Under law, we have nothing to offer our children with true power to help them change. Our loudest message to them becomes "try harder!!!" and we all get more and more frustrated as they fail again and again. The 'gospel' is just a band aid that covers a perpetual wound. It offers forgiveness and nothing more. It leaves us suffering and sinning, the same old people we were before except now we are even more miserable because we want to be different. It leaves us in the end of Romans 7 and forgets Romans 8 altogether, leaving us crying " who will set me free from this body of death?" but never hearing the answer to our cry.
A couple of weeks ago I asked Eva (6) to clean up and she started complaining and whining. I lost my temper and she went running up the stairs crying and angry at me. I followed her and began a self-righteous lecture but strangely she didn't want anything to do with me. I had noticed a cold hard-hearted attitude from her for quite a while, she had been rejecting any attempts to hug her etc... Within 5 minutes I began to humble myself as the Holy Spirit entered into the situation to help us. She kept saying she just wanted to be left alone but I persisted in asking questions. Almost before I knew what I was saying I said "do you feel like we have a lot of rules and we're always angry at you for breaking the rules?" and the flood gates opened. She started sobbing saying "yes" and was immediately in my arms. It was a clarifying moment for us both. By this time my son Ben (5) was peeking his head in the door and I told him to come in. I began to talk about God who is never angry with his children. I was preaching to myself most of all and as I spoke the simple truths about God's love and the true gospel we all received revelation. Jesus followed every single rule perfectly and set us FREE from the law. Now we have the Holy Spirit who is our friend and helps us. Our Father is happy with us all the time, he loves us and is patient with us. He doesn't see us as failures but as his precious children. I confessed my sinful anger to them and explained that my poor understanding of God's grace had kept me bound up in sinful anger but now that God was showing me his love I was being changed by the Holy Spirit. I asked for their prayer and their patience, explaining that I knew God would change me and I wouldn't always be an angry mom. They graciously forgave me and showed that they had real faith to believe God would come through for us all.
As we journey more and more into God's amazing grace, we are becoming a more joyful family. The process is somewhat slow, but encouraging. We didn't name our youngest son for about a week, we couldn't agree on anything. He finally ended up with the name Isaac, and it seems now almost prophetic of what God was doing in our family from the time he was born. In Scripture Isaac is the son of the free woman and heir to Abraham's promise, and the name means laughter. Our Isaac is a free spirited wild child and a reminder to us that we are called by God to experience the glorious joy of his FREEDOM through his only Son's death and resurrection on our behalf.
In our understanding of what 'good' or Biblical parenting, discipline was central. We were taught that proper Biblical discipline involves discipline every time a child does not obey promptly and joyfully. To not discipline (spank) every time immediately was considered sin. ( Let me say that the method of spanking was very specific and not wrong in and of itself. It emphasized discipline is out of love and never anger.) This understanding of how to discipline our children became law to us. We felt guilty any time we didn't strictly adhere to the teaching, even if we felt led by God to deal with our children in a way other than the prescribed method. I also want to say that certain people were helpful to us by challenging these ideas (even pastors) but in a sense it seemed they were undermining the main principles being taught on a large scale. A little confusing...
Our children developed a strong sense that we were never happy with them. And often we weren't happy with them. After all, they weren't upholding the law we laid out for them which made our job of upholding the law far more difficult. When they failed, we failed more. This was another heavy weight added to our legalistic load. We wanted our little children to bear the heavy yoke with us but they weren't strong enough. Our oldest, our daughter, suffered the most, both because she understood more and is more sensitive.
We were focused on our children's sin. This is only natural when you are focused on your own sin all the time. Our home was not a sanctuary where God's kingdom presence was manifest, but a place where the sin of law and death emanated it sickening odors. We were all suffocating for lack of God's grace. We were trying to dominate and control our children instead of showing them the liberating freedom that Christ has for them. If we continued down this path I can see only two possible outcomes for our children (apart from God's divine intervention): depressed crushed spirits or outright rebellion against God. I believe legalism is the most common cause of children growing up and falling away from the church completely. I can't say I blame them and my heart breaks to see them encounter the Living God who brings true freedom, not another yoke of slavery.
Under law, we have nothing to offer our children with true power to help them change. Our loudest message to them becomes "try harder!!!" and we all get more and more frustrated as they fail again and again. The 'gospel' is just a band aid that covers a perpetual wound. It offers forgiveness and nothing more. It leaves us suffering and sinning, the same old people we were before except now we are even more miserable because we want to be different. It leaves us in the end of Romans 7 and forgets Romans 8 altogether, leaving us crying " who will set me free from this body of death?" but never hearing the answer to our cry.
A couple of weeks ago I asked Eva (6) to clean up and she started complaining and whining. I lost my temper and she went running up the stairs crying and angry at me. I followed her and began a self-righteous lecture but strangely she didn't want anything to do with me. I had noticed a cold hard-hearted attitude from her for quite a while, she had been rejecting any attempts to hug her etc... Within 5 minutes I began to humble myself as the Holy Spirit entered into the situation to help us. She kept saying she just wanted to be left alone but I persisted in asking questions. Almost before I knew what I was saying I said "do you feel like we have a lot of rules and we're always angry at you for breaking the rules?" and the flood gates opened. She started sobbing saying "yes" and was immediately in my arms. It was a clarifying moment for us both. By this time my son Ben (5) was peeking his head in the door and I told him to come in. I began to talk about God who is never angry with his children. I was preaching to myself most of all and as I spoke the simple truths about God's love and the true gospel we all received revelation. Jesus followed every single rule perfectly and set us FREE from the law. Now we have the Holy Spirit who is our friend and helps us. Our Father is happy with us all the time, he loves us and is patient with us. He doesn't see us as failures but as his precious children. I confessed my sinful anger to them and explained that my poor understanding of God's grace had kept me bound up in sinful anger but now that God was showing me his love I was being changed by the Holy Spirit. I asked for their prayer and their patience, explaining that I knew God would change me and I wouldn't always be an angry mom. They graciously forgave me and showed that they had real faith to believe God would come through for us all.
As we journey more and more into God's amazing grace, we are becoming a more joyful family. The process is somewhat slow, but encouraging. We didn't name our youngest son for about a week, we couldn't agree on anything. He finally ended up with the name Isaac, and it seems now almost prophetic of what God was doing in our family from the time he was born. In Scripture Isaac is the son of the free woman and heir to Abraham's promise, and the name means laughter. Our Isaac is a free spirited wild child and a reminder to us that we are called by God to experience the glorious joy of his FREEDOM through his only Son's death and resurrection on our behalf.
Monday, October 09, 2006
The truth, or part of it
It's always a little difficult trying to decide how much to share here on the World Wide Web. Anyone could read what I've written and that helps me try to be somewhat responsible. I know--not my strong suit. My strong suit, if I have one, is being honest about what I really think, feel,or know to be true. I think it might actually help me to write about what I'm thinking and feeling lately, even though it's far from pretty. Obviously this is still not the appropriate place to 'let it all out' but there are some things I can share that I think it would be wrong to hide from the people I know and love. And believe me, I would like to hide it all. From previous experience I know that hiding and running is not the answer to my problem, so as I've done before, I'll warn you that you may not want to continue reading if you're uncomfortable with 'personal stuff'.
So with that, I'll settle in for some humble pie, not just a little piece either. The 3 things that I've been ignoring for months now are:
1. I'm depressed. It's pretty bad, and I'm a little in shock. In fact, in the 11 years we've been married Aaron has never seen me like this, and I'm not at my worst...yet. I thought I would never get to this place again and frankly I'm not enjoying it. It's much worse with 3 kids to take care of in the middle of it. I want to die or leave, and spend most of my days thinking and planning how to do one or the other. Not practical solutions to the problem however.
2. I'm really mad at God. I've said lots of terrible (not to mention untrue) things to him and about him. I've dared him to strike me dead, told him off when he didn't, ect... Why am I so agry? As much time and energy as I recently put into defending his omni-presence, which I believe in whole-heartedly, what good is it having a God that's everwhere yet invisible and emotionally distant? In other words, though there's some benefit to him being with me without me knowing it, it's not good enough for me. I'm not interested in having all the benefits of his presence (protection or whatever) without that knowing that he's with me. As far as I can tell, I'll sink down to the pit of hell every time I feel abandoned by God. And yes, I'm not theologically/doctrinally deficient. I know the truth about his love but I need to experience it. I have before, I know I will again, but WHEN?
3. I'm really mad at some other people too. I'm saying who or why, just suffice to say it's not any of you reading my blog. This may be at the root of all this. Very possibly the case. Anger give a mighty foothold... Anyway, at the moment I don't care.
Why write all this? Two reasons really. First, I was hoping that by putting some of this out in the light would give the Holy Spirit a good opportunity to convict me. Let's face it, there's no other hope for me. Second, I was hoping that some of you would pray for me. I know there's such a thing as joy, but I've really became 'ensnared again' by legalism and it's much tougher leaving behind the teaching of demons than I realized. I did it once before, but the second time the temptation is to let my pride come in and make me not want to confess I was so stupid twice. Well, you can't say I didn't tell you. I'm a fool. And I'm not saying that to make you feel sorry for me. In reality, it brings me to the most hopeful thing of all:
1Co 1:26 For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and our righteousness and sanctification and redemption.
Therefore, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."
Weakness is good, weakness is good, weakness is good...it only feels so bad when we're trying to boast about anything other than Jesus. And I'll end with my warning. Legalism will get you every time, don't dabble even the slightest with it. If you think you're strong enough to live around it and it not affect you, you're wrong. Avoid it like the plague. Confront any small sign of it immediately, resolutely, firmly, lovingly in any person you know and care about. Don't let it slide and don't be deceived by it's pretty exterior. It will turn you into a whitewashed tomb every time, and you will be useless to build anything of eternal value. I firmly believe that the road of legalism ends with the scariest words of all time "Depart from me for I never knew you".
Surprisingly, it felt good to write this. Sorry it may not be so nice to read it!
So with that, I'll settle in for some humble pie, not just a little piece either. The 3 things that I've been ignoring for months now are:
1. I'm depressed. It's pretty bad, and I'm a little in shock. In fact, in the 11 years we've been married Aaron has never seen me like this, and I'm not at my worst...yet. I thought I would never get to this place again and frankly I'm not enjoying it. It's much worse with 3 kids to take care of in the middle of it. I want to die or leave, and spend most of my days thinking and planning how to do one or the other. Not practical solutions to the problem however.
2. I'm really mad at God. I've said lots of terrible (not to mention untrue) things to him and about him. I've dared him to strike me dead, told him off when he didn't, ect... Why am I so agry? As much time and energy as I recently put into defending his omni-presence, which I believe in whole-heartedly, what good is it having a God that's everwhere yet invisible and emotionally distant? In other words, though there's some benefit to him being with me without me knowing it, it's not good enough for me. I'm not interested in having all the benefits of his presence (protection or whatever) without that knowing that he's with me. As far as I can tell, I'll sink down to the pit of hell every time I feel abandoned by God. And yes, I'm not theologically/doctrinally deficient. I know the truth about his love but I need to experience it. I have before, I know I will again, but WHEN?
3. I'm really mad at some other people too. I'm saying who or why, just suffice to say it's not any of you reading my blog. This may be at the root of all this. Very possibly the case. Anger give a mighty foothold... Anyway, at the moment I don't care.
Why write all this? Two reasons really. First, I was hoping that by putting some of this out in the light would give the Holy Spirit a good opportunity to convict me. Let's face it, there's no other hope for me. Second, I was hoping that some of you would pray for me. I know there's such a thing as joy, but I've really became 'ensnared again' by legalism and it's much tougher leaving behind the teaching of demons than I realized. I did it once before, but the second time the temptation is to let my pride come in and make me not want to confess I was so stupid twice. Well, you can't say I didn't tell you. I'm a fool. And I'm not saying that to make you feel sorry for me. In reality, it brings me to the most hopeful thing of all:
1Co 1:26 For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and our righteousness and sanctification and redemption.
Therefore, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."
Weakness is good, weakness is good, weakness is good...it only feels so bad when we're trying to boast about anything other than Jesus. And I'll end with my warning. Legalism will get you every time, don't dabble even the slightest with it. If you think you're strong enough to live around it and it not affect you, you're wrong. Avoid it like the plague. Confront any small sign of it immediately, resolutely, firmly, lovingly in any person you know and care about. Don't let it slide and don't be deceived by it's pretty exterior. It will turn you into a whitewashed tomb every time, and you will be useless to build anything of eternal value. I firmly believe that the road of legalism ends with the scariest words of all time "Depart from me for I never knew you".
Surprisingly, it felt good to write this. Sorry it may not be so nice to read it!
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Regarding recent discussions in the blogosphere...
I've been watching some of the discussions sparked by the recent Sovereign Grace worship conference with interest. Some of the discussions have involved prophecy and other miraculous gifs, how to work together as believers in spite of some differences, and pride versus humility. I made some comments myself and was not exactly thrilled by the measure of pride they revealed (in myself). I just finished reading an excellent response to all this written by Bob Kauflin on Worship Matters. He is a humble man of God who I highly respect and have been priveleged to learn a great deal from over the years. If I was humbled before I read his article, I was certainly even moreso after I read it. I am always convicted of my pride in the presence of humility.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Does Jesus Care?
We sang a variation of this old hymn in choir when I was in college. The words of it just came to me, and I wanted to post them. Actually, the simple truth that Jesus really does care what's going on in my life--about me--helps me gain perspective in my truly little 'trials'. I think I can tend to get caught up in the greatness of Reform doctrine sometimes, focusing on God's Sovereignty and Holiness and forgetting his Imminence and Love. Especially when I'm sinning (or have sinned) and am tempted to keep my distance from Him instead of running into his arms of safety and forgiveness. Though I missed most of a recent sermon on God's holiness that was preached at my church, I did catch this idea: God's wrath is not part of his character, it is a response to sin.
God is love, not wrath. Not that I didn't already know that, but it is good for me to actually say it and remember it. God is love.
Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress
And the way grows weary and long?
Refrain
Oh yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.
Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?
Refrain
Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed
To resist some temptation strong;
When for my deep grief there is no relief,
Though my tears flow all the night long?
Refrain
Does Jesus care when I’ve said “goodbye”
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks,
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?
Refrain
~Frank Graefe 1901
God is love, not wrath. Not that I didn't already know that, but it is good for me to actually say it and remember it. God is love.
Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress
And the way grows weary and long?
Refrain
Oh yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.
Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?
Refrain
Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed
To resist some temptation strong;
When for my deep grief there is no relief,
Though my tears flow all the night long?
Refrain
Does Jesus care when I’ve said “goodbye”
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks,
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?
Refrain
~Frank Graefe 1901
Monday, February 06, 2006
A few resources on depression
"Insanity and Spiritual Songs in the Soul of the Saint"
This was an interesting biography of William Cowper by Piper. Here is a small quote I liked:
"Periodic self-examination is needed and wise and Biblical. But for the most part mental health is the use of the mind to focus on worthy reality outside ourselves."
I think this hits on a very important element of depression.
"Fight the Good Fight of Faith"
An article by Terry Virgo.
"If you want success in your Christian life you are going to have to fight for it, but notice the sphere in which the battle rages. It is a fight not of willpower nor intellect nor emotion but a fight of faith!"
This was an interesting biography of William Cowper by Piper. Here is a small quote I liked:
"Periodic self-examination is needed and wise and Biblical. But for the most part mental health is the use of the mind to focus on worthy reality outside ourselves."
I think this hits on a very important element of depression.
"Fight the Good Fight of Faith"
An article by Terry Virgo.
"If you want success in your Christian life you are going to have to fight for it, but notice the sphere in which the battle rages. It is a fight not of willpower nor intellect nor emotion but a fight of faith!"
Sunday, February 05, 2006
My thoughts on depression...
We are currently in a preaching series at church on depression. This has always been an interesting topic to me, since I've had my own experiences with it. For me, my worst experience with depression was very much a battle against the enemy of our souls-that is, Satan.
I was in high school at the time, and had been invited over to hear testimonies from friends who had just arrived back from a christian summer camp. It turned out that one of them had different ideas. They had been deeply involved in dungeons and dragons and had apparently been spending time with a witch,among other not so good influences. So this young man proceeded to call up a demon (without any of us knowing) and our other friend suffered the consequences, those being not being able to move, feeling sick, high temperature ( though the room become very cold) and panic/fear. Of course we were a little scared ouselves, and the boy who called up the demon rather triumphantly announced what he had done. (The one who was experiencing all this is currently living in a crack house as far as I know now.) Things settled down a bit, and they drove me home. I told my parents what had happened and they told me not to hang out with those guys again, which I had no desire to do anyway. We thought that was the end of it.
Sometime during the next few weeks, I began to feel depressed. We also were having a house built and we moved into a small trailer for about 6 weeks while it was being finished. The details are a bit fuzzy now, since this was a long time ago, but there are many specific things I can remember. I no longer wanted to be with my friends, or go to church but I was obsessed with lonliness and thoughts of people hating me. I was convinced that noone prayed for me, and seriously doubted my salvation. I heard voices in me head, many suicidal thoughts, questioning God's existence, violent thoughts about hurting people, murder,sometimes especially christians. I remember I went with my friends to a Billy Graham crusade but refused to go in. I told them to take the keys to the car with them (because I was having urges to drive into people, cars or anything else, though I didn't tell my friends this). I wasn't eating much, and my doctor sent me to a specialist afraid that I was anorexic since I started losing weight and was not very big to begin with. I was obsessed with death and dreamed about detailed ways to kill myself. I hated myself and was constantly terrified. I was being tormented and I thought I was going crazy.
Though it felt like this went on for a long time, it was really only a couple of months. My parents, though believers, didn't know what to do with me, and could find noone who knew how to help me ( they did try!). Finally, on a cold January night in Canada, I went out in only my pajamas and starting walking up into the wood behind our house. I took my dog, but she eventually got too cold and left. I laid down in the snow and waited to fall asleep. Looking up into the stars, I experienced peace for the first time in months. God began to speak to me. I finally knew he loved me. I got up and went back inside, very cold. I'm not sure how long I was outside, but I guess about 45 minutes. It took me a long time to get warm. Somehow I knew it was over, I was no longer a prisoner of evil. The next day I read the Bible, a Psalm I believe and God filled me with faith. I wrote furiously in my long abandoned prayer journal, and told Satan in no uncertain terms to get out of my life. God revealed areas of sin in my life that had given the enemy a foothold in my life, such as self-centeredness and unbelief. He showed me the deceptions and lies of the enemy for what they were and spoke truth to me. I sang worship songs and got rid of all the negative and evil music I had been listening to. God set me free just like that, when noone else could help me and people were beginning to give up on me.
Everyone who battles depression will not have the same story as mine, so I want to be careful not to think I can understand and identify with anyone who ever suffers in depression. In my own life, I have experienced depression or temptations to be depressed to varying degrees, but never like that first time. I think knowing battle strategies and being able to discern the lies of the enemy has changed my life. And I fully trust God to rescue me. He did before, and he always has since. After I had my second child, I struggled with depression for 3 or 4 months. But I was truly fighting,not losing. God used that time to teach me to depend on him like I had not known how to before. He also taught me to pray more. And He delivered me again in a moment. One night as I cried out to him lying in bed, He just covered me in his love. I don't know how to describe it, but it was like having a hug from him and the most wonderful feeling, knowing without any doubt that he loved me. That was the end of that depression.
The more I read in Scripture, the more I am convinced that depression is not to be our normal experience as believers. That is to say, we may battle through it sometimes, but we come out on the other side as the overcomers. Victorious conquerors through Christ. Ours is a life of joy. No pain, rejection, evil, or loss can rob us of our abundant joy in Jesus. Depression is not caused by any circumstance in our lives. It is caused by not knowing God and his love. It is caused by taking up burdens in our pride that don't belong to us. It is caused by choosing our sin over life in the Spirit. It is caused by not putting on the full armor of God to stand against our enemy. It is caused by not knowing the truth that God has given us to know in his word. It is caused by not making Christ our treasure and finding our joy in him. If we call out to Him in desperation, he will answer. There is no question that he will answer, that is our sure hope. He said "I will never leave you". (Hebrews 13:5)
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
I was in high school at the time, and had been invited over to hear testimonies from friends who had just arrived back from a christian summer camp. It turned out that one of them had different ideas. They had been deeply involved in dungeons and dragons and had apparently been spending time with a witch,among other not so good influences. So this young man proceeded to call up a demon (without any of us knowing) and our other friend suffered the consequences, those being not being able to move, feeling sick, high temperature ( though the room become very cold) and panic/fear. Of course we were a little scared ouselves, and the boy who called up the demon rather triumphantly announced what he had done. (The one who was experiencing all this is currently living in a crack house as far as I know now.) Things settled down a bit, and they drove me home. I told my parents what had happened and they told me not to hang out with those guys again, which I had no desire to do anyway. We thought that was the end of it.
Sometime during the next few weeks, I began to feel depressed. We also were having a house built and we moved into a small trailer for about 6 weeks while it was being finished. The details are a bit fuzzy now, since this was a long time ago, but there are many specific things I can remember. I no longer wanted to be with my friends, or go to church but I was obsessed with lonliness and thoughts of people hating me. I was convinced that noone prayed for me, and seriously doubted my salvation. I heard voices in me head, many suicidal thoughts, questioning God's existence, violent thoughts about hurting people, murder,sometimes especially christians. I remember I went with my friends to a Billy Graham crusade but refused to go in. I told them to take the keys to the car with them (because I was having urges to drive into people, cars or anything else, though I didn't tell my friends this). I wasn't eating much, and my doctor sent me to a specialist afraid that I was anorexic since I started losing weight and was not very big to begin with. I was obsessed with death and dreamed about detailed ways to kill myself. I hated myself and was constantly terrified. I was being tormented and I thought I was going crazy.
Though it felt like this went on for a long time, it was really only a couple of months. My parents, though believers, didn't know what to do with me, and could find noone who knew how to help me ( they did try!). Finally, on a cold January night in Canada, I went out in only my pajamas and starting walking up into the wood behind our house. I took my dog, but she eventually got too cold and left. I laid down in the snow and waited to fall asleep. Looking up into the stars, I experienced peace for the first time in months. God began to speak to me. I finally knew he loved me. I got up and went back inside, very cold. I'm not sure how long I was outside, but I guess about 45 minutes. It took me a long time to get warm. Somehow I knew it was over, I was no longer a prisoner of evil. The next day I read the Bible, a Psalm I believe and God filled me with faith. I wrote furiously in my long abandoned prayer journal, and told Satan in no uncertain terms to get out of my life. God revealed areas of sin in my life that had given the enemy a foothold in my life, such as self-centeredness and unbelief. He showed me the deceptions and lies of the enemy for what they were and spoke truth to me. I sang worship songs and got rid of all the negative and evil music I had been listening to. God set me free just like that, when noone else could help me and people were beginning to give up on me.
Everyone who battles depression will not have the same story as mine, so I want to be careful not to think I can understand and identify with anyone who ever suffers in depression. In my own life, I have experienced depression or temptations to be depressed to varying degrees, but never like that first time. I think knowing battle strategies and being able to discern the lies of the enemy has changed my life. And I fully trust God to rescue me. He did before, and he always has since. After I had my second child, I struggled with depression for 3 or 4 months. But I was truly fighting,not losing. God used that time to teach me to depend on him like I had not known how to before. He also taught me to pray more. And He delivered me again in a moment. One night as I cried out to him lying in bed, He just covered me in his love. I don't know how to describe it, but it was like having a hug from him and the most wonderful feeling, knowing without any doubt that he loved me. That was the end of that depression.
The more I read in Scripture, the more I am convinced that depression is not to be our normal experience as believers. That is to say, we may battle through it sometimes, but we come out on the other side as the overcomers. Victorious conquerors through Christ. Ours is a life of joy. No pain, rejection, evil, or loss can rob us of our abundant joy in Jesus. Depression is not caused by any circumstance in our lives. It is caused by not knowing God and his love. It is caused by taking up burdens in our pride that don't belong to us. It is caused by choosing our sin over life in the Spirit. It is caused by not putting on the full armor of God to stand against our enemy. It is caused by not knowing the truth that God has given us to know in his word. It is caused by not making Christ our treasure and finding our joy in him. If we call out to Him in desperation, he will answer. There is no question that he will answer, that is our sure hope. He said "I will never leave you". (Hebrews 13:5)
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
Friday, December 30, 2005
The point of blogging
I have read various explanations on other blogs of "why blog?". I've been giving this some thought since Aaron (my husband) doesn't really see the point. I think that's because he's a talker not a writer. But I've been thinking that there is a fine line here between glorifying God and glorifying myself. Am I writing just to express myself, or to express something greater? There is a great temptation for me just to enjoy writing and be impressed with my own ideas. The conclusion I have come to is that the reason I want to write anything should be because I can't contain my praise. That's why I write songs, poems, and this. I know this is a very common quote, but I'm going to use it anyway because it says what I want to say:
“[Lewis] I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is its appointed consummation. It is not out of compliment that lovers keep on telling one another how beautiful they are; the delight is incomplete till it is expressed. It is frustrating to have discovered a new author and not to be able to tell anyone how good he is; to come suddenly, at the turn of the road, upon some mountain valley of unexpected grandeur and then to have to keep silent because the people with you care for it no more than for a tin can in the ditch; to hear a good joke and find no one to share it with. . . .
If it were possible for a created soul fully . . . to 'appreciate', that is to love and delight in, the worthiest object of all, and simultaneously at every moment to give this delight perfect expression, then that soul would be in supreme beatitude. . . . To see what the doctrine really means, we must suppose ourselves to be in perfect love with God – drunk with, drowned in, dissolved by, that delight which, far from remaining pent up within ourselves as incommunicable, hence hardly tolerable, bliss, flows out from us incessantly again in effortless and perfect expression, our joy is no more separable from the praise in which it liberates and utters itself than the brightness a mirror receives is separable from the brightness it sheds. The Scotch catechism says that man's chief end is 'to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.' But we shall then know that these are the same thing. Fully to enjoy is to glorify. In commanding us to glorify Him, God is inviting us to enjoy Him."
C.S. Lewis of course.
So I'll keep writing, because when I don't, I forget how good He is and how amazingly blessed I am to know Him.
“[Lewis] I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is its appointed consummation. It is not out of compliment that lovers keep on telling one another how beautiful they are; the delight is incomplete till it is expressed. It is frustrating to have discovered a new author and not to be able to tell anyone how good he is; to come suddenly, at the turn of the road, upon some mountain valley of unexpected grandeur and then to have to keep silent because the people with you care for it no more than for a tin can in the ditch; to hear a good joke and find no one to share it with. . . .
If it were possible for a created soul fully . . . to 'appreciate', that is to love and delight in, the worthiest object of all, and simultaneously at every moment to give this delight perfect expression, then that soul would be in supreme beatitude. . . . To see what the doctrine really means, we must suppose ourselves to be in perfect love with God – drunk with, drowned in, dissolved by, that delight which, far from remaining pent up within ourselves as incommunicable, hence hardly tolerable, bliss, flows out from us incessantly again in effortless and perfect expression, our joy is no more separable from the praise in which it liberates and utters itself than the brightness a mirror receives is separable from the brightness it sheds. The Scotch catechism says that man's chief end is 'to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.' But we shall then know that these are the same thing. Fully to enjoy is to glorify. In commanding us to glorify Him, God is inviting us to enjoy Him."
C.S. Lewis of course.
So I'll keep writing, because when I don't, I forget how good He is and how amazingly blessed I am to know Him.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
I hate my pride, I love my Saviour
So last week-end I went to a songwriter's retreat. I guess there were about 15 people from 3 or 4 different churches. I spent all day writing a song, a worship song of course, and then showed up to this invitation only event with--------. Wow. I must be special. Except no one is ever going to sing any of my songs. No one will ever take the time to really help me be a better songwriter, or fix my song so that people will sing it. Blah blah blah. Who cares? Is there anyone more arrogant than me on the face of this earth? Maybe, but they're not saved. I am, so I'm thinking there should be a difference . Anyway, maybe God really is changing me a little bit. The next morning in church I was actually worshipping to the great song of one of the attendees of the retreat. I wasn't analyzing, comparing, or degrading any worship song. "Now if that isn't a true blue miracle, I don't know what one is" (sesame street song in case you wondering). Anyway, I guess I'll keep on writing songs. I hate the pride that comes out of it, but it's there in my heart whether I see it or not. It's good to see what's really in your heart I think, it keeps from thinking you're holier than you really are, and it makes you turn to the only one who can take sin away. I still need a Saviour. Everyday I can see the disgusting ugly truth about my sin, the more I thank God for grace, for the cross. So I hate my pride, but I love my Saviour even more--"he who has been forgiven much, loves much". Hey, that reminds me of a song....
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