I guess it has been 5 years since we left, it's so hard to believe. We live in a different country, have added another child to our family, and we are different people. Some of the people we left behind think we're different too but they don't see it as a good thing...
It's easy sometimes to forget how your experiences shape your thinking and everything you do. On some days I feel that we are so much freer and happier, and on others, well, I'm still just trying to survive. Though I don't often comment anymore on the blog SGM Survivors, I have always followed it and speak up now and again, especially if I think my words can somehow be an encouragement to someone else who is leaving (or contemplating it). I think it's good to remember where you've come from, so I'm remembering. And I'm thankful.
I don't regret our time in SGM. We met some amazing people, learned theological perspectives that were new to us, and in the end we crashed and found that God's grace was there to rescue us from the rock bottom. We learned to never trust in the charisma of men, not to be fooled by fine-sounding arguments, not to believe false-humility. We learned through it all who we really are in Christ, and to NEVER let any human being dictate to us who we are or should be. I think we learned that freedom is the right and privelege of every single son of God; spiritual, intellectual, and emotional freedom. It's something that no one can take from us but we can be persuaded and deceived into giving it up. It's something I will never give up again by God's grace.
And there are some marks left from all that we went through. I'm still cynical and suspicious of churches and leaders. I can't bear even the slightest insinuation of male chauvenism. I will bolt like a frightened animal at the first sign of someone wanting to put me in a cage or control me. I don't trust people, or should I say, religious people. And legalism? Not on my watch.
I think as time goes on I grow and heal, but I'm sure I am forever changed in some way. Life is like that. Today I re-read the letter I wrote to Aaron a few months after we left the church. I read it once or twice a year probably to remember. I smile when I think of all the wonderful people God used to help us and love us during a time of such confusion and bitterness. I told my husband I was moving out and leaving the kids behind. I was afraid I would become abusive toward them because I was breaking down, depressed, suicidal. I spent my days in bed crying and escaping the house alone whenever possible. The people we left behind didn't know us because we had spent all our energy trying to be who we were supposed to be, we didn't know each other anymore, or ourselves.
All I knew was that I didn't fit the roles I had embraced as "biblical". I was a failure as a wife and a mother, the very essence of who I was supposed to be as a woman ( as I was told) and I was miserable being chained to those roles, confined and suppressed for lack of male anatomy. And every time my mind dared to ponder even the edges of my feelings about it all the guilt would come crashing in on my head in powerful waves, I could feel the sickening weight of condemnation in my stomach. Because I had been well-taught and I knew that to think these things was evil and proud. How well I remember the feelings of condemnation! I used to think it was a mark of holiness and humility and worried if I didn't feel it for a moment! I was addicted to guilt but it was killing me as surely as any drug.
Aaron and I had lost any sense true intimacy and connection. All that seemed to hold us together after leaving was the common misery we found ourselves in. Thank God for the gift of wonderful friends who had left or were leaving at the same time, we talked for hours and hours processing everything in detail in a way I'm sure anyone from the outside would not have understood. We were warned about the dangers of anger and bitterness and unforgiveness by many but it was in the freedom of true friendship that we were able to let it all out and deal with it without fear of judgement. And then there were a few pastors from other places that loved us and prayed for us and helped us to know that not all leaders are power-hungry controllers. Not all pastors teach and train people to submit to all their wishes and worship them. Some just love people. It's true, they are out there.
Over time, our marriage became a marriage again. As we learned how to be ourselves (instead of trying to be the perfect husband/father and perfect wife/mother) I guess we discovered again that we like each other, the real versions. When you take the performance requirements out of your marriage, there is room for love again. There is room to make mistakes and laugh and move on. And kicking your pastors out of your bedroom doesn't hurt either. Ha. You see, at first we didn't know how to do anything on our own we were so used to having every detail dictated to us. How to discipline your kids, how to submit to your husband, how to control I mean lead your wife, what to say if someone says this or that, how to pray, what to read, how your sex life should be, and on and on....there are always special meetingsto "help" you do everything and anything in your life.
But we started to figure it out together, the way God intended I think. We became a team, unified, best friends. You can't be best friends with someone who is not your equal but we discovered that we were equal and we needed each other. I wasn't just a slave anymore (gasp). I'm not saying that Aaron was to blame here, I was just as brainwashed as he was. I don't think either of us fit in to this pattern and acted contrary to it all the time but we felt so terrible when we fell outside the roles we were taught.
I am rambling...just reflecting...just throwing it out there that it's a hard thing to do to leave any religous/controlling culture, but it can be done! You can survive it, you can overcome it, you can be happy and free. Not always happy, not perfectly happy, but you can feel whatever you want, whenever you want. Yes, you can have your very own feelings and thoughts and words again. And when you do that, you'll find you start encouraging your husband/wife, children, friends, everyone, to be free too! And you can read your old good-bye letters and suicide notes and be glad you pushed forward and moved on to greener pastures. There is only one true Shepherd and he won't lead you wrong...trust him.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Friday, July 01, 2011
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Dear Struggling Christian...(from the comment section somewhere back there)
I wrote this a while back in response to the question of whether or not we may lose our salvation. It was specifically in regards to fear and uncertainty...
I understand where you're coming from with the depression thing, I can so relate to the temptation to want to throw my hands up in the air and give up on it all! And in essence, that is what I finally did, just not in the way the old serpent was hoping for haha!
That merry-go-round you're talking about is lawgracelawgrace around and around, up and down. Roller coaster Christianity that depends on my performance, oh yes, by God's grace of course, but I must 'appropriate' the grace, or yes but we must 'balance' the grace. As a child of God slightly less brave than Paul, I can't write the words I really want to, but let's just say that's all a bunch of rubbish, I mean the kind that needs to be flushed down the toilet.
All the wrestling and fighting and anger you experience is the kicking of a living spirit! Before you were born again, you were dead in your transgressions, but you are alive! The fact that you are alive shows me that you have been born again, born in the same manner that Jesus was when he entered the world as a little baby. He had this weak flesh like us, but he was without sin. His father was not Adam, but the Holy Spirit. And he was the first born of many brothers--us! We are like him, we have been recreated in his image. He has already dealt with our sin and he will return, not to deal with sin, but to give us immortal perfect flesh to house our already immortal perfect spirit!
Yes, it's good news!
Here are a few warnings for you: if you stray from the flock, Jesus will leave the 99 to come find you. If you take your father's resources and go out into the world and spend it all on liquor and loose women, your father will wait for your return and he will not be disappointed. If you think you can escape his love, be forewarned! You never can! He is your bridegroom and however many times you play the whore to the old impotent husband he will receive you back with joy! If you are angry with him, he will comfort you, he will listen, he will win you back again. You will never reach the end of his mercy, you will never be able to outrun his love. Where ever you may hide he will chase you down and coax you out into freedom and joy.
You are his and he is yours, forever.
This striving you are now experiencing is not for no purpose! You will soon enter his rest.
I understand where you're coming from with the depression thing, I can so relate to the temptation to want to throw my hands up in the air and give up on it all! And in essence, that is what I finally did, just not in the way the old serpent was hoping for haha!
That merry-go-round you're talking about is lawgracelawgrace around and around, up and down. Roller coaster Christianity that depends on my performance, oh yes, by God's grace of course, but I must 'appropriate' the grace, or yes but we must 'balance' the grace. As a child of God slightly less brave than Paul, I can't write the words I really want to, but let's just say that's all a bunch of rubbish, I mean the kind that needs to be flushed down the toilet.
All the wrestling and fighting and anger you experience is the kicking of a living spirit! Before you were born again, you were dead in your transgressions, but you are alive! The fact that you are alive shows me that you have been born again, born in the same manner that Jesus was when he entered the world as a little baby. He had this weak flesh like us, but he was without sin. His father was not Adam, but the Holy Spirit. And he was the first born of many brothers--us! We are like him, we have been recreated in his image. He has already dealt with our sin and he will return, not to deal with sin, but to give us immortal perfect flesh to house our already immortal perfect spirit!
Yes, it's good news!
Here are a few warnings for you: if you stray from the flock, Jesus will leave the 99 to come find you. If you take your father's resources and go out into the world and spend it all on liquor and loose women, your father will wait for your return and he will not be disappointed. If you think you can escape his love, be forewarned! You never can! He is your bridegroom and however many times you play the whore to the old impotent husband he will receive you back with joy! If you are angry with him, he will comfort you, he will listen, he will win you back again. You will never reach the end of his mercy, you will never be able to outrun his love. Where ever you may hide he will chase you down and coax you out into freedom and joy.
You are his and he is yours, forever.
This striving you are now experiencing is not for no purpose! You will soon enter his rest.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Find Your Voice
When I first started blogging the name of my blog was "Looking For My Words". If I go back and read my early posts it's like I'm reading the words of another person, a sad and frightened little girl hiding in a corner. A person who was hyper-sensitive to criticism and condemnation either spoken or insinuated, sometimes just plain imagined. I had voices in my head and I listened to them, but they were not my voice, they were not God's voice. I thought they were my voice and God's voice...I thought my voice was speaking everything dirty and sinful, I thought the voice that then accused and condemned me was God's. I was wrong!
All day long I listened to the voices saying "you should, you shouldn't, you should, you shouldn't, you must, you must not, you will, you will not" followed by "you did, you're a sinner, you didn't, you're a sinner, you should have, you're a failure, you should not have, you failed again...try harder, if you love God you would try harder..." And then the other voices "run away you'll never get it right, you're a terrible wife, a lazy selfish mother, maybe you should end it all and then Aaron would be able to marry a godly woman and mother for his children". I lived in a constant state of confusion, I thought I was my own worst enemy. I thought God's main objective in my life was to convict me of sin every day every day and whip me into shape. I was wrong!
I was a broken and weary soul. I was starving for love, the kind of love that would not shatter and crumble when I made a mistake. I had faith that I would escape the flames of hell, but only just escape. I didn't know Jesus loved me because I couldn't hear him! He was shouting and waving his arms wildly but I had grown deaf and the veil of the law covered my eyes thickly. I was wandering hopelessly, my only hope was in death, heaven, so I could finally see Jesus and be changed. Others thought I was so holy because I longed for heaven so much, but it was not a sign of my 'holiness', it was a sign of my utter desperation, of my utter failure to grasp the Jesus of hope by faith, to live in him HERE and NOW.
Then everything changed. It didn't change all at once but the SON began to dawn and light slowly washed over my face, pale and cold first, then brighter and warmer, then, warmer and brighter! Then I heard a whisper, it was my Father, his voice was so much kinder and more compassionate than I remembered. I felt his strong but gentle hands begin to release me from the veil that covered my eyes, then he began to remove chains and I felt healing power begin to flow into my whole person. I realized he wasn't whispering, his voice was strong and clear now that my ears were open. Suddenly I could hear the other voices much more clearly and I realized that they were ugly, evil, and sinister. They were not my voice, they were not my Father's voice, they were evil demonic voices. And I realized they held no power over me unless I chose to listen and believe.
I looked up to see Jesus seated on the throne and he told me it was TIME. Time to crush Satan under my feet, to claim the victory that Jesus won for me by his resurrection, his triumph over and utter humiliation of the enemy. I began to join in with his church and declare the great battle cry of these last days:
I AM THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD IN CHRIST JESUS, THIS IS NOT OF MYSELF IT IS THE GIFT OF GOD FOR ALL WHO BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The enemy trembles and his resolve begins to melt away. The fear in his eyes is palpable, he is confused about his next step. Oh, there are other people and other places where he feels his power is strong, but what of this growing revolution, this rising of GRACE, this restoration of the GOSPEL??????????? The power of God for salvation, the GOOD NEWS, it is ringing louder and louder all across the earth! Soon everyone will hear, and many many more will believe! And the faith of the sons of God will swell and grow and overcome evil and the kingdom of the Almighty God will conquer darkness, disease, sickness, sin, fear, pain, depression, insanity, and EVERY OTHER WORK OF THE DEVIL WILL BE DESTROYED!!!!! And the sound of murmuring will grow to the sound of loud shouting in joyful unison, "Look up, look to the sky, Jesus is coming back!"
Many of us are finding our voices, aren't we? And we are using them to spread the Good News that dead people can live, that sinful people can be made righteous, that hungry people can be filled, that thirsty people can drink. This is what we were made for! How amazing that we live in God's eternal exhilarating love! How wonderful that by union with the One who made us and saved, by finding ourselves in Him, we finally begin to know who we really are...and we have something to say, something eternally valuable and transforming!
All day long I listened to the voices saying "you should, you shouldn't, you should, you shouldn't, you must, you must not, you will, you will not" followed by "you did, you're a sinner, you didn't, you're a sinner, you should have, you're a failure, you should not have, you failed again...try harder, if you love God you would try harder..." And then the other voices "run away you'll never get it right, you're a terrible wife, a lazy selfish mother, maybe you should end it all and then Aaron would be able to marry a godly woman and mother for his children". I lived in a constant state of confusion, I thought I was my own worst enemy. I thought God's main objective in my life was to convict me of sin every day every day and whip me into shape. I was wrong!
I was a broken and weary soul. I was starving for love, the kind of love that would not shatter and crumble when I made a mistake. I had faith that I would escape the flames of hell, but only just escape. I didn't know Jesus loved me because I couldn't hear him! He was shouting and waving his arms wildly but I had grown deaf and the veil of the law covered my eyes thickly. I was wandering hopelessly, my only hope was in death, heaven, so I could finally see Jesus and be changed. Others thought I was so holy because I longed for heaven so much, but it was not a sign of my 'holiness', it was a sign of my utter desperation, of my utter failure to grasp the Jesus of hope by faith, to live in him HERE and NOW.
Then everything changed. It didn't change all at once but the SON began to dawn and light slowly washed over my face, pale and cold first, then brighter and warmer, then, warmer and brighter! Then I heard a whisper, it was my Father, his voice was so much kinder and more compassionate than I remembered. I felt his strong but gentle hands begin to release me from the veil that covered my eyes, then he began to remove chains and I felt healing power begin to flow into my whole person. I realized he wasn't whispering, his voice was strong and clear now that my ears were open. Suddenly I could hear the other voices much more clearly and I realized that they were ugly, evil, and sinister. They were not my voice, they were not my Father's voice, they were evil demonic voices. And I realized they held no power over me unless I chose to listen and believe.
I looked up to see Jesus seated on the throne and he told me it was TIME. Time to crush Satan under my feet, to claim the victory that Jesus won for me by his resurrection, his triumph over and utter humiliation of the enemy. I began to join in with his church and declare the great battle cry of these last days:
I AM THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD IN CHRIST JESUS, THIS IS NOT OF MYSELF IT IS THE GIFT OF GOD FOR ALL WHO BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The enemy trembles and his resolve begins to melt away. The fear in his eyes is palpable, he is confused about his next step. Oh, there are other people and other places where he feels his power is strong, but what of this growing revolution, this rising of GRACE, this restoration of the GOSPEL??????????? The power of God for salvation, the GOOD NEWS, it is ringing louder and louder all across the earth! Soon everyone will hear, and many many more will believe! And the faith of the sons of God will swell and grow and overcome evil and the kingdom of the Almighty God will conquer darkness, disease, sickness, sin, fear, pain, depression, insanity, and EVERY OTHER WORK OF THE DEVIL WILL BE DESTROYED!!!!! And the sound of murmuring will grow to the sound of loud shouting in joyful unison, "Look up, look to the sky, Jesus is coming back!"
Many of us are finding our voices, aren't we? And we are using them to spread the Good News that dead people can live, that sinful people can be made righteous, that hungry people can be filled, that thirsty people can drink. This is what we were made for! How amazing that we live in God's eternal exhilarating love! How wonderful that by union with the One who made us and saved, by finding ourselves in Him, we finally begin to know who we really are...and we have something to say, something eternally valuable and transforming!
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Using the Gift of Tongues
I think I recently mentioned in passing how I came to receive the gift of tongues. I guess it all came about during the summer of 1998 shortly after I was introduced to the charismatic world. But quite frankly, I couldn't find much use for it and rarely used it. There is precious little practical teaching on this gift, at least in the churches I've been in. Yes, I've heard brief exhortations to sing in tongues during worship or even to speak out (with interpretation) as God leads for corporate edification, but in the last ten years I think I've heard only one sermon on it (though I've heard brief explanations during Alpha week-ends as well). It was actually a good sermon too. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that all in all I've neglected this gift most of the time.
A while back I heard Jackie Pullinger To describe her personal experience with the gift of tongues and I could really identify with it. She never used it either until challenged by some Americans visiting her in Hong Kong many years ago. God used them to convict her of her foolishness in neglecting a gift he had given her and she promptly began speaking in tongues for 15 minutes a day though it didn't seem to do anything. It was shortly after she began doing this that she began to see incredible breakthroughs in her ministry. (You can listen to her speaking or check out her book Chasing the Dragon to get a more detailed and accurate account.) This has always stuck in my mind and it has served to remind me that if I've been given a gift, I need to use it!
So over the past few years I've slowly begun to just pray in tongues sometimes, whether I feel it accomplishes anything or not. Recently thought, I've really been thankful for it. I am now happy to report that I'm actually experiencing the reality of "...The one who speaks in a tongue builds up himself..." (I Cor. 14:4) Though I'm not using it every day, I'm using it far more regularly, and particularly in times of intercession, when my words seem to fall short, and also in times of need, such as in temptation, spiritual attack, etc... Of course I have to give an illustration.
The other day I was having a somewhat stressful day. Actually, most of my days are 'somewhat stressful'! Our two-year-old has been removing dirty diapers lately, along with all of his other usual disasters in every room of the house. And we are desperately trying to get our house in order so we can put it on the market. Well, this day I had already spent more than 2 hours trying to get this kid to take his nap. He can now climb out of his crib and cannot tell you how many times I disciplined him and put him back. Then my husband got home and commented on one of the lesser disasters I hadn't had time to clean up yet. I got angry, it wasn't pretty, I left the house for a couple of hours feeling lots of guilt and condemnation. I could recognize spiritual attack in the middle of it all as well, but just couldn't seem to find my way to the throne of grace. I went back home but nothing was resolved and I left again feeling depressed and hopeless. When I got home again, it was still terrible. I wouldn't even let Aaron pray for me.
Finally as I ran a bath it occurred to me that I could pray in tongues. I felt so relieved as soon as this thought came to me (thanks Holy Spirit!) and I immediately began praying and God's presence came back! Love and mercy came flooding over me and all the anger, bitterness, hopelessness, unforgiveness, I had been giving in to just gave way and was gone. You see, I had repented of my sin, but the enemy was just accusing me and telling me I couldn't have an uninterrupted relationship with my Father. I had to wait and suffer a bit you know. But when I started praying in the Spirit the power of the enemy was broken somehow.
I'm really beginning to value this 'lesser of gifts'. I think I've really been ashamed of it for a long time. My background in the Wesleyan Church, while good in so many ways, perhaps left me with this sense. They affirm every gift except tongues as a prayer language, which is viewed as divisive (which I'm sure can be true). I've even encountered a strange vehemence and hatred towards tongues from some people, some of whom I highly admire and respect. Growing up it was common to hear my parents and others saying things like "yes, they speak in tongues but you would never know it,they are so godly they would never talk about it". So I guess I have thought it's wrong to admit to having this gift! But Paul didn't seem to mind claiming to have it, and I've never heard of anyone keeping any other gift a secret (actually it sounds a bit like burying things...) So instead of being ashamed, I'm going to thank God that I'm speaking in tongues more and more and encourage all of you to do the same if you have this gift. And if you don't, than eagerly seek it along with the greater gifts!
A while back I heard Jackie Pullinger To describe her personal experience with the gift of tongues and I could really identify with it. She never used it either until challenged by some Americans visiting her in Hong Kong many years ago. God used them to convict her of her foolishness in neglecting a gift he had given her and she promptly began speaking in tongues for 15 minutes a day though it didn't seem to do anything. It was shortly after she began doing this that she began to see incredible breakthroughs in her ministry. (You can listen to her speaking or check out her book Chasing the Dragon to get a more detailed and accurate account.) This has always stuck in my mind and it has served to remind me that if I've been given a gift, I need to use it!
So over the past few years I've slowly begun to just pray in tongues sometimes, whether I feel it accomplishes anything or not. Recently thought, I've really been thankful for it. I am now happy to report that I'm actually experiencing the reality of "...The one who speaks in a tongue builds up himself..." (I Cor. 14:4) Though I'm not using it every day, I'm using it far more regularly, and particularly in times of intercession, when my words seem to fall short, and also in times of need, such as in temptation, spiritual attack, etc... Of course I have to give an illustration.
The other day I was having a somewhat stressful day. Actually, most of my days are 'somewhat stressful'! Our two-year-old has been removing dirty diapers lately, along with all of his other usual disasters in every room of the house. And we are desperately trying to get our house in order so we can put it on the market. Well, this day I had already spent more than 2 hours trying to get this kid to take his nap. He can now climb out of his crib and cannot tell you how many times I disciplined him and put him back. Then my husband got home and commented on one of the lesser disasters I hadn't had time to clean up yet. I got angry, it wasn't pretty, I left the house for a couple of hours feeling lots of guilt and condemnation. I could recognize spiritual attack in the middle of it all as well, but just couldn't seem to find my way to the throne of grace. I went back home but nothing was resolved and I left again feeling depressed and hopeless. When I got home again, it was still terrible. I wouldn't even let Aaron pray for me.
Finally as I ran a bath it occurred to me that I could pray in tongues. I felt so relieved as soon as this thought came to me (thanks Holy Spirit!) and I immediately began praying and God's presence came back! Love and mercy came flooding over me and all the anger, bitterness, hopelessness, unforgiveness, I had been giving in to just gave way and was gone. You see, I had repented of my sin, but the enemy was just accusing me and telling me I couldn't have an uninterrupted relationship with my Father. I had to wait and suffer a bit you know. But when I started praying in the Spirit the power of the enemy was broken somehow.
I'm really beginning to value this 'lesser of gifts'. I think I've really been ashamed of it for a long time. My background in the Wesleyan Church, while good in so many ways, perhaps left me with this sense. They affirm every gift except tongues as a prayer language, which is viewed as divisive (which I'm sure can be true). I've even encountered a strange vehemence and hatred towards tongues from some people, some of whom I highly admire and respect. Growing up it was common to hear my parents and others saying things like "yes, they speak in tongues but you would never know it,they are so godly they would never talk about it". So I guess I have thought it's wrong to admit to having this gift! But Paul didn't seem to mind claiming to have it, and I've never heard of anyone keeping any other gift a secret (actually it sounds a bit like burying things...) So instead of being ashamed, I'm going to thank God that I'm speaking in tongues more and more and encourage all of you to do the same if you have this gift. And if you don't, than eagerly seek it along with the greater gifts!
Monday, October 09, 2006
The truth, or part of it
It's always a little difficult trying to decide how much to share here on the World Wide Web. Anyone could read what I've written and that helps me try to be somewhat responsible. I know--not my strong suit. My strong suit, if I have one, is being honest about what I really think, feel,or know to be true. I think it might actually help me to write about what I'm thinking and feeling lately, even though it's far from pretty. Obviously this is still not the appropriate place to 'let it all out' but there are some things I can share that I think it would be wrong to hide from the people I know and love. And believe me, I would like to hide it all. From previous experience I know that hiding and running is not the answer to my problem, so as I've done before, I'll warn you that you may not want to continue reading if you're uncomfortable with 'personal stuff'.
So with that, I'll settle in for some humble pie, not just a little piece either. The 3 things that I've been ignoring for months now are:
1. I'm depressed. It's pretty bad, and I'm a little in shock. In fact, in the 11 years we've been married Aaron has never seen me like this, and I'm not at my worst...yet. I thought I would never get to this place again and frankly I'm not enjoying it. It's much worse with 3 kids to take care of in the middle of it. I want to die or leave, and spend most of my days thinking and planning how to do one or the other. Not practical solutions to the problem however.
2. I'm really mad at God. I've said lots of terrible (not to mention untrue) things to him and about him. I've dared him to strike me dead, told him off when he didn't, ect... Why am I so agry? As much time and energy as I recently put into defending his omni-presence, which I believe in whole-heartedly, what good is it having a God that's everwhere yet invisible and emotionally distant? In other words, though there's some benefit to him being with me without me knowing it, it's not good enough for me. I'm not interested in having all the benefits of his presence (protection or whatever) without that knowing that he's with me. As far as I can tell, I'll sink down to the pit of hell every time I feel abandoned by God. And yes, I'm not theologically/doctrinally deficient. I know the truth about his love but I need to experience it. I have before, I know I will again, but WHEN?
3. I'm really mad at some other people too. I'm saying who or why, just suffice to say it's not any of you reading my blog. This may be at the root of all this. Very possibly the case. Anger give a mighty foothold... Anyway, at the moment I don't care.
Why write all this? Two reasons really. First, I was hoping that by putting some of this out in the light would give the Holy Spirit a good opportunity to convict me. Let's face it, there's no other hope for me. Second, I was hoping that some of you would pray for me. I know there's such a thing as joy, but I've really became 'ensnared again' by legalism and it's much tougher leaving behind the teaching of demons than I realized. I did it once before, but the second time the temptation is to let my pride come in and make me not want to confess I was so stupid twice. Well, you can't say I didn't tell you. I'm a fool. And I'm not saying that to make you feel sorry for me. In reality, it brings me to the most hopeful thing of all:
1Co 1:26 For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and our righteousness and sanctification and redemption.
Therefore, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."
Weakness is good, weakness is good, weakness is good...it only feels so bad when we're trying to boast about anything other than Jesus. And I'll end with my warning. Legalism will get you every time, don't dabble even the slightest with it. If you think you're strong enough to live around it and it not affect you, you're wrong. Avoid it like the plague. Confront any small sign of it immediately, resolutely, firmly, lovingly in any person you know and care about. Don't let it slide and don't be deceived by it's pretty exterior. It will turn you into a whitewashed tomb every time, and you will be useless to build anything of eternal value. I firmly believe that the road of legalism ends with the scariest words of all time "Depart from me for I never knew you".
Surprisingly, it felt good to write this. Sorry it may not be so nice to read it!
So with that, I'll settle in for some humble pie, not just a little piece either. The 3 things that I've been ignoring for months now are:
1. I'm depressed. It's pretty bad, and I'm a little in shock. In fact, in the 11 years we've been married Aaron has never seen me like this, and I'm not at my worst...yet. I thought I would never get to this place again and frankly I'm not enjoying it. It's much worse with 3 kids to take care of in the middle of it. I want to die or leave, and spend most of my days thinking and planning how to do one or the other. Not practical solutions to the problem however.
2. I'm really mad at God. I've said lots of terrible (not to mention untrue) things to him and about him. I've dared him to strike me dead, told him off when he didn't, ect... Why am I so agry? As much time and energy as I recently put into defending his omni-presence, which I believe in whole-heartedly, what good is it having a God that's everwhere yet invisible and emotionally distant? In other words, though there's some benefit to him being with me without me knowing it, it's not good enough for me. I'm not interested in having all the benefits of his presence (protection or whatever) without that knowing that he's with me. As far as I can tell, I'll sink down to the pit of hell every time I feel abandoned by God. And yes, I'm not theologically/doctrinally deficient. I know the truth about his love but I need to experience it. I have before, I know I will again, but WHEN?
3. I'm really mad at some other people too. I'm saying who or why, just suffice to say it's not any of you reading my blog. This may be at the root of all this. Very possibly the case. Anger give a mighty foothold... Anyway, at the moment I don't care.
Why write all this? Two reasons really. First, I was hoping that by putting some of this out in the light would give the Holy Spirit a good opportunity to convict me. Let's face it, there's no other hope for me. Second, I was hoping that some of you would pray for me. I know there's such a thing as joy, but I've really became 'ensnared again' by legalism and it's much tougher leaving behind the teaching of demons than I realized. I did it once before, but the second time the temptation is to let my pride come in and make me not want to confess I was so stupid twice. Well, you can't say I didn't tell you. I'm a fool. And I'm not saying that to make you feel sorry for me. In reality, it brings me to the most hopeful thing of all:
1Co 1:26 For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and our righteousness and sanctification and redemption.
Therefore, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."
Weakness is good, weakness is good, weakness is good...it only feels so bad when we're trying to boast about anything other than Jesus. And I'll end with my warning. Legalism will get you every time, don't dabble even the slightest with it. If you think you're strong enough to live around it and it not affect you, you're wrong. Avoid it like the plague. Confront any small sign of it immediately, resolutely, firmly, lovingly in any person you know and care about. Don't let it slide and don't be deceived by it's pretty exterior. It will turn you into a whitewashed tomb every time, and you will be useless to build anything of eternal value. I firmly believe that the road of legalism ends with the scariest words of all time "Depart from me for I never knew you".
Surprisingly, it felt good to write this. Sorry it may not be so nice to read it!
Monday, March 27, 2006
Does Jesus Care?
We sang a variation of this old hymn in choir when I was in college. The words of it just came to me, and I wanted to post them. Actually, the simple truth that Jesus really does care what's going on in my life--about me--helps me gain perspective in my truly little 'trials'. I think I can tend to get caught up in the greatness of Reform doctrine sometimes, focusing on God's Sovereignty and Holiness and forgetting his Imminence and Love. Especially when I'm sinning (or have sinned) and am tempted to keep my distance from Him instead of running into his arms of safety and forgiveness. Though I missed most of a recent sermon on God's holiness that was preached at my church, I did catch this idea: God's wrath is not part of his character, it is a response to sin.
God is love, not wrath. Not that I didn't already know that, but it is good for me to actually say it and remember it. God is love.
Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress
And the way grows weary and long?
Refrain
Oh yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.
Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?
Refrain
Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed
To resist some temptation strong;
When for my deep grief there is no relief,
Though my tears flow all the night long?
Refrain
Does Jesus care when I’ve said “goodbye”
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks,
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?
Refrain
~Frank Graefe 1901
God is love, not wrath. Not that I didn't already know that, but it is good for me to actually say it and remember it. God is love.
Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress
And the way grows weary and long?
Refrain
Oh yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.
Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?
Refrain
Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed
To resist some temptation strong;
When for my deep grief there is no relief,
Though my tears flow all the night long?
Refrain
Does Jesus care when I’ve said “goodbye”
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks,
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?
Refrain
~Frank Graefe 1901
Monday, February 06, 2006
A few resources on depression
"Insanity and Spiritual Songs in the Soul of the Saint"
This was an interesting biography of William Cowper by Piper. Here is a small quote I liked:
"Periodic self-examination is needed and wise and Biblical. But for the most part mental health is the use of the mind to focus on worthy reality outside ourselves."
I think this hits on a very important element of depression.
"Fight the Good Fight of Faith"
An article by Terry Virgo.
"If you want success in your Christian life you are going to have to fight for it, but notice the sphere in which the battle rages. It is a fight not of willpower nor intellect nor emotion but a fight of faith!"
This was an interesting biography of William Cowper by Piper. Here is a small quote I liked:
"Periodic self-examination is needed and wise and Biblical. But for the most part mental health is the use of the mind to focus on worthy reality outside ourselves."
I think this hits on a very important element of depression.
"Fight the Good Fight of Faith"
An article by Terry Virgo.
"If you want success in your Christian life you are going to have to fight for it, but notice the sphere in which the battle rages. It is a fight not of willpower nor intellect nor emotion but a fight of faith!"
Sunday, February 05, 2006
My thoughts on depression...
We are currently in a preaching series at church on depression. This has always been an interesting topic to me, since I've had my own experiences with it. For me, my worst experience with depression was very much a battle against the enemy of our souls-that is, Satan.
I was in high school at the time, and had been invited over to hear testimonies from friends who had just arrived back from a christian summer camp. It turned out that one of them had different ideas. They had been deeply involved in dungeons and dragons and had apparently been spending time with a witch,among other not so good influences. So this young man proceeded to call up a demon (without any of us knowing) and our other friend suffered the consequences, those being not being able to move, feeling sick, high temperature ( though the room become very cold) and panic/fear. Of course we were a little scared ouselves, and the boy who called up the demon rather triumphantly announced what he had done. (The one who was experiencing all this is currently living in a crack house as far as I know now.) Things settled down a bit, and they drove me home. I told my parents what had happened and they told me not to hang out with those guys again, which I had no desire to do anyway. We thought that was the end of it.
Sometime during the next few weeks, I began to feel depressed. We also were having a house built and we moved into a small trailer for about 6 weeks while it was being finished. The details are a bit fuzzy now, since this was a long time ago, but there are many specific things I can remember. I no longer wanted to be with my friends, or go to church but I was obsessed with lonliness and thoughts of people hating me. I was convinced that noone prayed for me, and seriously doubted my salvation. I heard voices in me head, many suicidal thoughts, questioning God's existence, violent thoughts about hurting people, murder,sometimes especially christians. I remember I went with my friends to a Billy Graham crusade but refused to go in. I told them to take the keys to the car with them (because I was having urges to drive into people, cars or anything else, though I didn't tell my friends this). I wasn't eating much, and my doctor sent me to a specialist afraid that I was anorexic since I started losing weight and was not very big to begin with. I was obsessed with death and dreamed about detailed ways to kill myself. I hated myself and was constantly terrified. I was being tormented and I thought I was going crazy.
Though it felt like this went on for a long time, it was really only a couple of months. My parents, though believers, didn't know what to do with me, and could find noone who knew how to help me ( they did try!). Finally, on a cold January night in Canada, I went out in only my pajamas and starting walking up into the wood behind our house. I took my dog, but she eventually got too cold and left. I laid down in the snow and waited to fall asleep. Looking up into the stars, I experienced peace for the first time in months. God began to speak to me. I finally knew he loved me. I got up and went back inside, very cold. I'm not sure how long I was outside, but I guess about 45 minutes. It took me a long time to get warm. Somehow I knew it was over, I was no longer a prisoner of evil. The next day I read the Bible, a Psalm I believe and God filled me with faith. I wrote furiously in my long abandoned prayer journal, and told Satan in no uncertain terms to get out of my life. God revealed areas of sin in my life that had given the enemy a foothold in my life, such as self-centeredness and unbelief. He showed me the deceptions and lies of the enemy for what they were and spoke truth to me. I sang worship songs and got rid of all the negative and evil music I had been listening to. God set me free just like that, when noone else could help me and people were beginning to give up on me.
Everyone who battles depression will not have the same story as mine, so I want to be careful not to think I can understand and identify with anyone who ever suffers in depression. In my own life, I have experienced depression or temptations to be depressed to varying degrees, but never like that first time. I think knowing battle strategies and being able to discern the lies of the enemy has changed my life. And I fully trust God to rescue me. He did before, and he always has since. After I had my second child, I struggled with depression for 3 or 4 months. But I was truly fighting,not losing. God used that time to teach me to depend on him like I had not known how to before. He also taught me to pray more. And He delivered me again in a moment. One night as I cried out to him lying in bed, He just covered me in his love. I don't know how to describe it, but it was like having a hug from him and the most wonderful feeling, knowing without any doubt that he loved me. That was the end of that depression.
The more I read in Scripture, the more I am convinced that depression is not to be our normal experience as believers. That is to say, we may battle through it sometimes, but we come out on the other side as the overcomers. Victorious conquerors through Christ. Ours is a life of joy. No pain, rejection, evil, or loss can rob us of our abundant joy in Jesus. Depression is not caused by any circumstance in our lives. It is caused by not knowing God and his love. It is caused by taking up burdens in our pride that don't belong to us. It is caused by choosing our sin over life in the Spirit. It is caused by not putting on the full armor of God to stand against our enemy. It is caused by not knowing the truth that God has given us to know in his word. It is caused by not making Christ our treasure and finding our joy in him. If we call out to Him in desperation, he will answer. There is no question that he will answer, that is our sure hope. He said "I will never leave you". (Hebrews 13:5)
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
I was in high school at the time, and had been invited over to hear testimonies from friends who had just arrived back from a christian summer camp. It turned out that one of them had different ideas. They had been deeply involved in dungeons and dragons and had apparently been spending time with a witch,among other not so good influences. So this young man proceeded to call up a demon (without any of us knowing) and our other friend suffered the consequences, those being not being able to move, feeling sick, high temperature ( though the room become very cold) and panic/fear. Of course we were a little scared ouselves, and the boy who called up the demon rather triumphantly announced what he had done. (The one who was experiencing all this is currently living in a crack house as far as I know now.) Things settled down a bit, and they drove me home. I told my parents what had happened and they told me not to hang out with those guys again, which I had no desire to do anyway. We thought that was the end of it.
Sometime during the next few weeks, I began to feel depressed. We also were having a house built and we moved into a small trailer for about 6 weeks while it was being finished. The details are a bit fuzzy now, since this was a long time ago, but there are many specific things I can remember. I no longer wanted to be with my friends, or go to church but I was obsessed with lonliness and thoughts of people hating me. I was convinced that noone prayed for me, and seriously doubted my salvation. I heard voices in me head, many suicidal thoughts, questioning God's existence, violent thoughts about hurting people, murder,sometimes especially christians. I remember I went with my friends to a Billy Graham crusade but refused to go in. I told them to take the keys to the car with them (because I was having urges to drive into people, cars or anything else, though I didn't tell my friends this). I wasn't eating much, and my doctor sent me to a specialist afraid that I was anorexic since I started losing weight and was not very big to begin with. I was obsessed with death and dreamed about detailed ways to kill myself. I hated myself and was constantly terrified. I was being tormented and I thought I was going crazy.
Though it felt like this went on for a long time, it was really only a couple of months. My parents, though believers, didn't know what to do with me, and could find noone who knew how to help me ( they did try!). Finally, on a cold January night in Canada, I went out in only my pajamas and starting walking up into the wood behind our house. I took my dog, but she eventually got too cold and left. I laid down in the snow and waited to fall asleep. Looking up into the stars, I experienced peace for the first time in months. God began to speak to me. I finally knew he loved me. I got up and went back inside, very cold. I'm not sure how long I was outside, but I guess about 45 minutes. It took me a long time to get warm. Somehow I knew it was over, I was no longer a prisoner of evil. The next day I read the Bible, a Psalm I believe and God filled me with faith. I wrote furiously in my long abandoned prayer journal, and told Satan in no uncertain terms to get out of my life. God revealed areas of sin in my life that had given the enemy a foothold in my life, such as self-centeredness and unbelief. He showed me the deceptions and lies of the enemy for what they were and spoke truth to me. I sang worship songs and got rid of all the negative and evil music I had been listening to. God set me free just like that, when noone else could help me and people were beginning to give up on me.
Everyone who battles depression will not have the same story as mine, so I want to be careful not to think I can understand and identify with anyone who ever suffers in depression. In my own life, I have experienced depression or temptations to be depressed to varying degrees, but never like that first time. I think knowing battle strategies and being able to discern the lies of the enemy has changed my life. And I fully trust God to rescue me. He did before, and he always has since. After I had my second child, I struggled with depression for 3 or 4 months. But I was truly fighting,not losing. God used that time to teach me to depend on him like I had not known how to before. He also taught me to pray more. And He delivered me again in a moment. One night as I cried out to him lying in bed, He just covered me in his love. I don't know how to describe it, but it was like having a hug from him and the most wonderful feeling, knowing without any doubt that he loved me. That was the end of that depression.
The more I read in Scripture, the more I am convinced that depression is not to be our normal experience as believers. That is to say, we may battle through it sometimes, but we come out on the other side as the overcomers. Victorious conquerors through Christ. Ours is a life of joy. No pain, rejection, evil, or loss can rob us of our abundant joy in Jesus. Depression is not caused by any circumstance in our lives. It is caused by not knowing God and his love. It is caused by taking up burdens in our pride that don't belong to us. It is caused by choosing our sin over life in the Spirit. It is caused by not putting on the full armor of God to stand against our enemy. It is caused by not knowing the truth that God has given us to know in his word. It is caused by not making Christ our treasure and finding our joy in him. If we call out to Him in desperation, he will answer. There is no question that he will answer, that is our sure hope. He said "I will never leave you". (Hebrews 13:5)
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
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