I guess it has been 5 years since we left, it's so hard to believe. We live in a different country, have added another child to our family, and we are different people. Some of the people we left behind think we're different too but they don't see it as a good thing...
It's easy sometimes to forget how your experiences shape your thinking and everything you do. On some days I feel that we are so much freer and happier, and on others, well, I'm still just trying to survive. Though I don't often comment anymore on the blog SGM Survivors, I have always followed it and speak up now and again, especially if I think my words can somehow be an encouragement to someone else who is leaving (or contemplating it). I think it's good to remember where you've come from, so I'm remembering. And I'm thankful.
I don't regret our time in SGM. We met some amazing people, learned theological perspectives that were new to us, and in the end we crashed and found that God's grace was there to rescue us from the rock bottom. We learned to never trust in the charisma of men, not to be fooled by fine-sounding arguments, not to believe false-humility. We learned through it all who we really are in Christ, and to NEVER let any human being dictate to us who we are or should be. I think we learned that freedom is the right and privelege of every single son of God; spiritual, intellectual, and emotional freedom. It's something that no one can take from us but we can be persuaded and deceived into giving it up. It's something I will never give up again by God's grace.
And there are some marks left from all that we went through. I'm still cynical and suspicious of churches and leaders. I can't bear even the slightest insinuation of male chauvenism. I will bolt like a frightened animal at the first sign of someone wanting to put me in a cage or control me. I don't trust people, or should I say, religious people. And legalism? Not on my watch.
I think as time goes on I grow and heal, but I'm sure I am forever changed in some way. Life is like that. Today I re-read the letter I wrote to Aaron a few months after we left the church. I read it once or twice a year probably to remember. I smile when I think of all the wonderful people God used to help us and love us during a time of such confusion and bitterness. I told my husband I was moving out and leaving the kids behind. I was afraid I would become abusive toward them because I was breaking down, depressed, suicidal. I spent my days in bed crying and escaping the house alone whenever possible. The people we left behind didn't know us because we had spent all our energy trying to be who we were supposed to be, we didn't know each other anymore, or ourselves.
All I knew was that I didn't fit the roles I had embraced as "biblical". I was a failure as a wife and a mother, the very essence of who I was supposed to be as a woman ( as I was told) and I was miserable being chained to those roles, confined and suppressed for lack of male anatomy. And every time my mind dared to ponder even the edges of my feelings about it all the guilt would come crashing in on my head in powerful waves, I could feel the sickening weight of condemnation in my stomach. Because I had been well-taught and I knew that to think these things was evil and proud. How well I remember the feelings of condemnation! I used to think it was a mark of holiness and humility and worried if I didn't feel it for a moment! I was addicted to guilt but it was killing me as surely as any drug.
Aaron and I had lost any sense true intimacy and connection. All that seemed to hold us together after leaving was the common misery we found ourselves in. Thank God for the gift of wonderful friends who had left or were leaving at the same time, we talked for hours and hours processing everything in detail in a way I'm sure anyone from the outside would not have understood. We were warned about the dangers of anger and bitterness and unforgiveness by many but it was in the freedom of true friendship that we were able to let it all out and deal with it without fear of judgement. And then there were a few pastors from other places that loved us and prayed for us and helped us to know that not all leaders are power-hungry controllers. Not all pastors teach and train people to submit to all their wishes and worship them. Some just love people. It's true, they are out there.
Over time, our marriage became a marriage again. As we learned how to be ourselves (instead of trying to be the perfect husband/father and perfect wife/mother) I guess we discovered again that we like each other, the real versions. When you take the performance requirements out of your marriage, there is room for love again. There is room to make mistakes and laugh and move on. And kicking your pastors out of your bedroom doesn't hurt either. Ha. You see, at first we didn't know how to do anything on our own we were so used to having every detail dictated to us. How to discipline your kids, how to submit to your husband, how to control I mean lead your wife, what to say if someone says this or that, how to pray, what to read, how your sex life should be, and on and on....there are always special meetingsto "help" you do everything and anything in your life.
But we started to figure it out together, the way God intended I think. We became a team, unified, best friends. You can't be best friends with someone who is not your equal but we discovered that we were equal and we needed each other. I wasn't just a slave anymore (gasp). I'm not saying that Aaron was to blame here, I was just as brainwashed as he was. I don't think either of us fit in to this pattern and acted contrary to it all the time but we felt so terrible when we fell outside the roles we were taught.
I am rambling...just reflecting...just throwing it out there that it's a hard thing to do to leave any religous/controlling culture, but it can be done! You can survive it, you can overcome it, you can be happy and free. Not always happy, not perfectly happy, but you can feel whatever you want, whenever you want. Yes, you can have your very own feelings and thoughts and words again. And when you do that, you'll find you start encouraging your husband/wife, children, friends, everyone, to be free too! And you can read your old good-bye letters and suicide notes and be glad you pushed forward and moved on to greener pastures. There is only one true Shepherd and he won't lead you wrong...trust him.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Friday, July 01, 2011
Saturday, April 02, 2011
Legalism, Lust, Porn, and Adultery
I'm tired so tired of all the smoke screens in churchianity. All the fakeness. ALL. Can't we just talk about life and be real? Can we just stop pretending we're perfect people living in a perfect world? Please?
I'm 34 years old I think, and I've been married for over 15 years of that time. To a man. A normal man with issues from his past and childhood, stuff he has to deal with just like anyone else. I'm a woman, formerly quite naive and stupid with no understanding of what it's like to be a man though having many other kinds of issues to deal with myself. This is what I like to call 'life'. Or more accurately, life in the fallen world which is only temporary.
Over the years, I've watched many marriages fall apart due to adultery etc...I've seen couples work hard to put up shiny happy images of their relationship for years only to find out they had all kinds of stuff going on in reality. They never asked anyone for help, never admitted they were having trouble. I know what that's like! We've had our share of stuff to deal with, stuff that's normal if we'd only stop hiding it from each other. Everyone thinks their problems are so much worse than anyone else's because everyone is LYING. Yes, they're LYING. I'm not saying there aren't any happy couple, but what I'm saying is that the truly happy couple are not perfectly happy and they will be honest with you about their problems. Yes, HONEST. What an idea, revolutionary! (As a side note, I find it quite funny and refreshing that some of the people we thought were the most screwed up because they let everything out there now seem to be happy and are still together!)
If you ask me about problems in my marriage I'll tell you. Send me an email and see. Ask me anything, yes, anything. You might not like what you hear but I don't mind sharing with anyone who would like to know. You wives out there, did you know that many times your husband is told not to be honest with you about lust, porn, or any sexual struggles they might have? That gets filed away under "she doesn't need to know, just share it with another man" . What a bunch of crap! The best thing Aaron ever did for our marriage was to tell me everything he was dealing with, everything.
And the best thing we can do now is not ever hide any of those problems from others but be honest about reality, because what's reality for us is reality for so many other people. And here's the biggest secret: once you stop hiding it the power is gone. Once you realize that shame and guilt are the lie, the power of whatever 'sin' you fight against so pitifully just kind of melts away in the light of truth.
This is a rant. I'm sick of the self-righteous fake holiness air hovering over the spiritual people who claim or pretend not to ever deal with these kinds of things. These are the very people who usually end up on the news caught doing the very things they vowed to have no interest in. Haven't we gotten the message yet? Have all the teaching and rules and regulations about what to look at, listen to, touch, or get near worked? Or have they turned people into obsessive compulsive slaves to anything that will destroy their lives and families?
Let's stop with the scarlet letter on people too, as if we were immune to any sin or temptation. Let's view people according to the gospel, as washed clean and carrying the life of Christ in them. And let's treat them as God treats them, not as their sins deserve. Because it won't be long until you might be needing a little mercy yourself, and you won't find that in the law you used to whack somebody over the head with.
P.S. I love you all and I want you to be happy and free. No condemnation even to you fakers out there, I know you're scared out of your wits...
I'm 34 years old I think, and I've been married for over 15 years of that time. To a man. A normal man with issues from his past and childhood, stuff he has to deal with just like anyone else. I'm a woman, formerly quite naive and stupid with no understanding of what it's like to be a man though having many other kinds of issues to deal with myself. This is what I like to call 'life'. Or more accurately, life in the fallen world which is only temporary.
Over the years, I've watched many marriages fall apart due to adultery etc...I've seen couples work hard to put up shiny happy images of their relationship for years only to find out they had all kinds of stuff going on in reality. They never asked anyone for help, never admitted they were having trouble. I know what that's like! We've had our share of stuff to deal with, stuff that's normal if we'd only stop hiding it from each other. Everyone thinks their problems are so much worse than anyone else's because everyone is LYING. Yes, they're LYING. I'm not saying there aren't any happy couple, but what I'm saying is that the truly happy couple are not perfectly happy and they will be honest with you about their problems. Yes, HONEST. What an idea, revolutionary! (As a side note, I find it quite funny and refreshing that some of the people we thought were the most screwed up because they let everything out there now seem to be happy and are still together!)
If you ask me about problems in my marriage I'll tell you. Send me an email and see. Ask me anything, yes, anything. You might not like what you hear but I don't mind sharing with anyone who would like to know. You wives out there, did you know that many times your husband is told not to be honest with you about lust, porn, or any sexual struggles they might have? That gets filed away under "she doesn't need to know, just share it with another man" . What a bunch of crap! The best thing Aaron ever did for our marriage was to tell me everything he was dealing with, everything.
And the best thing we can do now is not ever hide any of those problems from others but be honest about reality, because what's reality for us is reality for so many other people. And here's the biggest secret: once you stop hiding it the power is gone. Once you realize that shame and guilt are the lie, the power of whatever 'sin' you fight against so pitifully just kind of melts away in the light of truth.
This is a rant. I'm sick of the self-righteous fake holiness air hovering over the spiritual people who claim or pretend not to ever deal with these kinds of things. These are the very people who usually end up on the news caught doing the very things they vowed to have no interest in. Haven't we gotten the message yet? Have all the teaching and rules and regulations about what to look at, listen to, touch, or get near worked? Or have they turned people into obsessive compulsive slaves to anything that will destroy their lives and families?
Let's stop with the scarlet letter on people too, as if we were immune to any sin or temptation. Let's view people according to the gospel, as washed clean and carrying the life of Christ in them. And let's treat them as God treats them, not as their sins deserve. Because it won't be long until you might be needing a little mercy yourself, and you won't find that in the law you used to whack somebody over the head with.
P.S. I love you all and I want you to be happy and free. No condemnation even to you fakers out there, I know you're scared out of your wits...
Monday, August 16, 2010
Love, Marriage (15 years!), and Other Stuff
Wow, I guess I haven't written here for a long time! I've been busy, never forgetting about the good news but not having as much time to really write (uninterrupted that is). Looks like we'll be starting to have church soon and I'll keep everyone posted about that. It will be my Dad and Aaron taking care of worship and preaching/teaching for the most part, and I'll be figuring out something for children. Doesn't that sound really well organized? To be honest I'm pretty nervous about organizing anything, being part of 'church' in the formal sense but I'm also excited and so ready for fellowship and sharing good news, seeing people get free. I HATE seeing people suffering in fear and bondage and condemnation, HATE it. I want everybody to be happy! Not perfect, just happy--together!
Aaron and I got to go for a week long vacation to Mexico a month or two ago, all alone. He won the trip in a contest at work while I was still pregnant with Amilia, and it was so nice to be alone together just relaxing. When we got back home with Amilia (the other three stayed with their grandparents in Delaware for a few more weeks) I flew out to Toronto with her to visit my sister Kelly and her husband Mike and got to meet my nephew Fenn who had recently had surgery. He's doing well and is very very cute and personable. And cuddly too. We had a lot of fun together eating take-out Indian, battling each other on Super Mario Bros., going for walks etc...and I even got to see an old friend of mine that we once shared a house with way back in Fredericton. She's as crazy fun as ever, we had such a good time staying up way past our bedtime! Well that's the nutshell version of my summer so far! I've also been busy trying to get our health and nutrition in line so we all can feel better and have more energy and have been blogging about that on a different blog.
But the thing that's been on mind the most lately is relationships, you know, love and marriage stuff. In three days it will be our 15th anniversary. In one way it feels like some kind of accomplishment, in another way it seems that I've only just begun to get a glimpse of what unity in marriage really is. (And when I say 'marriage' I'm not talking about a legal contract or technicalities, I'm talking a true union of love, though we do happen to be legally married haha, can of worms now opened.)
Sometimes I feel almost as girlishly emotional and idealistic as I did at 18 walking down the aisle barefoot in my vintage dress, wreath of wildflower on my head. I still want to be loved and treasured far above any other woman by the same man, still dream of him being intoxicated by my beauty. I still daydream about him, and still get tingly at the thought of his touch.
Most days my main goal is to get him to myself for a few moments at the end of the day, not always an easy task with 4 kids to take care of. When I cook or clean, it's with him in mind, though I certainly am not the best housekeeper! When I wash dark clothes I put in lots of his socks because he hates it when he runs out of socks for work, and socks, or laundry in general, are not my strong point (I have a huge overflowing basket of unmatched socks ALWAYS). No matter what I'm thinking about, he's going to hear about it. We can still talk each other's ears off whether about our run-of-the-mill day or intense theological debates. We can still get on each other's nerves regularly, and we can still make the other cry though thankfully we don't fight as much as we used to!
Aaron is my best friend in the world. I can't imagine anything without him. He's the only man I've ever been with, the only man I need to be with. No one can make me feel as terrible as he can if he wants to (or unintentionally) but no one can make me feel so happy and loved either. I don't know if there are many people in today's world willing to risk the former in order to experience the latter, but I think many people are missing out on something amazing. We are one, we are so different but we are truly one. So many flaws in both of us, and we know each other's flaws very well. As we get older I think and hope we are learning to protect each other's weaknesses instead of selfishly exploit them or criticize them.
Coming into grace has been wonderful, really wonderful. I would go so far to say that it saved our marriage, getting out of legalistic religion. But, grace didn't make us perfect. We deal with many of the same issues we always have, maybe always will. But when we know that God loves us because he loves us, we can love each other 'just because'. Loving someone feels good, it is good. Of course it hurts sometimes, but it's worth it, I swear.
I write all of this even while being dissatisfied with some things, wanting more and yet, all the rest is still true. When will we make peace with the imperfection of our flesh? See it as so temporary, as so insignificant? The irony lies in the fact that until we believe we're ok exactly the way we are, in Christ, we will continue to fight an impossible uphill battle toward growth and maturity and change. We can only change when we know we are loved exactly as we are even if we never change, because then we are freed from shame and fear and feelings of unworthiness and we are able to truly love back.
So I hope you know, Aaron , that I think you're the sexiest man on the planet and I love you more than ever, you're the only one for me. Thanks for being with me for so long and hope you stick with me much longer. Happy Anniversary!
Aaron and I got to go for a week long vacation to Mexico a month or two ago, all alone. He won the trip in a contest at work while I was still pregnant with Amilia, and it was so nice to be alone together just relaxing. When we got back home with Amilia (the other three stayed with their grandparents in Delaware for a few more weeks) I flew out to Toronto with her to visit my sister Kelly and her husband Mike and got to meet my nephew Fenn who had recently had surgery. He's doing well and is very very cute and personable. And cuddly too. We had a lot of fun together eating take-out Indian, battling each other on Super Mario Bros., going for walks etc...and I even got to see an old friend of mine that we once shared a house with way back in Fredericton. She's as crazy fun as ever, we had such a good time staying up way past our bedtime! Well that's the nutshell version of my summer so far! I've also been busy trying to get our health and nutrition in line so we all can feel better and have more energy and have been blogging about that on a different blog.
But the thing that's been on mind the most lately is relationships, you know, love and marriage stuff. In three days it will be our 15th anniversary. In one way it feels like some kind of accomplishment, in another way it seems that I've only just begun to get a glimpse of what unity in marriage really is. (And when I say 'marriage' I'm not talking about a legal contract or technicalities, I'm talking a true union of love, though we do happen to be legally married haha, can of worms now opened.)
Sometimes I feel almost as girlishly emotional and idealistic as I did at 18 walking down the aisle barefoot in my vintage dress, wreath of wildflower on my head. I still want to be loved and treasured far above any other woman by the same man, still dream of him being intoxicated by my beauty. I still daydream about him, and still get tingly at the thought of his touch.
Most days my main goal is to get him to myself for a few moments at the end of the day, not always an easy task with 4 kids to take care of. When I cook or clean, it's with him in mind, though I certainly am not the best housekeeper! When I wash dark clothes I put in lots of his socks because he hates it when he runs out of socks for work, and socks, or laundry in general, are not my strong point (I have a huge overflowing basket of unmatched socks ALWAYS). No matter what I'm thinking about, he's going to hear about it. We can still talk each other's ears off whether about our run-of-the-mill day or intense theological debates. We can still get on each other's nerves regularly, and we can still make the other cry though thankfully we don't fight as much as we used to!
Aaron is my best friend in the world. I can't imagine anything without him. He's the only man I've ever been with, the only man I need to be with. No one can make me feel as terrible as he can if he wants to (or unintentionally) but no one can make me feel so happy and loved either. I don't know if there are many people in today's world willing to risk the former in order to experience the latter, but I think many people are missing out on something amazing. We are one, we are so different but we are truly one. So many flaws in both of us, and we know each other's flaws very well. As we get older I think and hope we are learning to protect each other's weaknesses instead of selfishly exploit them or criticize them.
Coming into grace has been wonderful, really wonderful. I would go so far to say that it saved our marriage, getting out of legalistic religion. But, grace didn't make us perfect. We deal with many of the same issues we always have, maybe always will. But when we know that God loves us because he loves us, we can love each other 'just because'. Loving someone feels good, it is good. Of course it hurts sometimes, but it's worth it, I swear.
I write all of this even while being dissatisfied with some things, wanting more and yet, all the rest is still true. When will we make peace with the imperfection of our flesh? See it as so temporary, as so insignificant? The irony lies in the fact that until we believe we're ok exactly the way we are, in Christ, we will continue to fight an impossible uphill battle toward growth and maturity and change. We can only change when we know we are loved exactly as we are even if we never change, because then we are freed from shame and fear and feelings of unworthiness and we are able to truly love back.
So I hope you know, Aaron , that I think you're the sexiest man on the planet and I love you more than ever, you're the only one for me. Thanks for being with me for so long and hope you stick with me much longer. Happy Anniversary!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
John Piper Taking Break From Ministry...
My good friend Dan (who it seems likes Piper a bit more than I do, hehe, did not mean to offend you brother!) left a comment on my last post concerning Piper recently announcing taking a leave of absence from ministry citing pride as one of his reasons. He wants to wage war on this sin. While I think that's a really stupid idea in general, I was very much encouraged to read of his other reasons. Mainly, to spend some real undisturbed time with his wife and get things happier in that relationship. I completely believe him that things are not bad between him and his wife but still lacking. Years of ministry would definately take a toll on family life and I'm so happy he's stepping back for what I hope will be a true rest in God's Spirit and not a mad sin hunt. In my opinion, this kind of rest would do more than anything else to bring Piper back to the spirit of true humility he feels he's lacking at the moment. I wish more ministers would follow Piper's example in this BEFORE things in their families get bad and/or fall apart completely. So though I still don't agree with some of Piper's legalistic teachings, I'm very thankful to hear this news and will be praying that he and his wife have a gloriously refreshing time in God's grace. May they both receive more revelation of Jesus and his tender mercy and love.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Marriage, Some Introductory Thoughts...
I'm posting this as a very small beginning of what I hope will become a much deeper discussion about marriage and the beautiful unity that can be experienced between a husband and a wife. This to me is one of the saddest things that has happened and is happening in the church today, the increasing rarity of true marriage. I don't think most divorces are the break-down of true marriage, but the break-down of superficial imitations of true marriage.
Can a superficial marriage that started with attraction and infatuation and then built on law and duty ever ripen into mature and intoxicating love? I whole-heartedly believe it can! But too many times it doesn't. So let the discussion and revelation begin, and may our God enlighten us about his kind of love! And as he pours it out his lavish love on us may it transform every other relationship in our lives. And let's also remember: THERE IS NOW THEREFORE NO CONDEMNATION FOR THOSE IN JESUS CHRIST! This is not the time or the place for pointing fingers at people in self-righteous disgust. This is about freedom and joy!
The wedding vows...Do we doom marriages to failure when we base them on legal contracts and vows that are impossible standards of perfection? Did Adam and Eve make 'vows before a holy God'? (Also posted on facebook at the Free Believers Network with comments following.)
This is one of my comments, modified a little:
There's nothing more deadly in a marriage than one or the other feeling 'trapped'. The idea of marriage taught in the church is ridiculous and damaging. As soon as you tell someone they are tied for life to someone else no matter what, of course panic sets in. Not to mention it isn't true, it's a contract that can easily be gotten out of .
The church has been so busy preserving the outward image of marriage, teaching that living at the same address for the rest of your life constitutes a major accomplishment( sometimes even inferring that the more miserable you were the more faithful you were), that they've completely missed the point of marriage as God designed it. It was for a man and a woman to enjoy--revel in-- the same kind of love and unity as God himself does within the Trinity. And that would be a beautiful picture of Christ and the church as she enters into that union through redemption. It would truly be an unbreakable bond of love.
More and more to find an honestly happy couple who are truly enjoying intimate union in all the ways God has provided, is difficult. A happily married couple is a complete rarity. And to me, this false marriage is much much sadder than divorce because divorce is just the truth of what a marriage probably was all along in most cases, especially in the performance based 'church'.
Marriage is wonderful when you are able to experience it as the freeing unity and love it is supposed to be. We are not bound together with chains of rules , vows, or promises, but we melt together over time until neither can imagine life or joy without the other. It's not perfecting of roles or duties that make a marriage work, but husband and wife both letting go and truly enjoying the other's love and companionship, sharing every part of themselves until it becomes difficult to draw a line between the two and divide them into two separate entities. This is the same way we are conformed to Christ, not that there is no individual still, but that the harmony is so beautiful and wonderful that there is no desire for a solo part.
This is in no way intended to make anyone who is married and not happy feel bad about it either! I just long for people to be free and happy in every part of their lives...and so we continue to share and enjoy the best news in the world until it gets down into every fiber of our being and transforms our minds and sets us free more and more!
Can a superficial marriage that started with attraction and infatuation and then built on law and duty ever ripen into mature and intoxicating love? I whole-heartedly believe it can! But too many times it doesn't. So let the discussion and revelation begin, and may our God enlighten us about his kind of love! And as he pours it out his lavish love on us may it transform every other relationship in our lives. And let's also remember: THERE IS NOW THEREFORE NO CONDEMNATION FOR THOSE IN JESUS CHRIST! This is not the time or the place for pointing fingers at people in self-righteous disgust. This is about freedom and joy!
The wedding vows...Do we doom marriages to failure when we base them on legal contracts and vows that are impossible standards of perfection? Did Adam and Eve make 'vows before a holy God'? (Also posted on facebook at the Free Believers Network with comments following.)
This is one of my comments, modified a little:
There's nothing more deadly in a marriage than one or the other feeling 'trapped'. The idea of marriage taught in the church is ridiculous and damaging. As soon as you tell someone they are tied for life to someone else no matter what, of course panic sets in. Not to mention it isn't true, it's a contract that can easily be gotten out of .
The church has been so busy preserving the outward image of marriage, teaching that living at the same address for the rest of your life constitutes a major accomplishment( sometimes even inferring that the more miserable you were the more faithful you were), that they've completely missed the point of marriage as God designed it. It was for a man and a woman to enjoy--revel in-- the same kind of love and unity as God himself does within the Trinity. And that would be a beautiful picture of Christ and the church as she enters into that union through redemption. It would truly be an unbreakable bond of love.
More and more to find an honestly happy couple who are truly enjoying intimate union in all the ways God has provided, is difficult. A happily married couple is a complete rarity. And to me, this false marriage is much much sadder than divorce because divorce is just the truth of what a marriage probably was all along in most cases, especially in the performance based 'church'.
Marriage is wonderful when you are able to experience it as the freeing unity and love it is supposed to be. We are not bound together with chains of rules , vows, or promises, but we melt together over time until neither can imagine life or joy without the other. It's not perfecting of roles or duties that make a marriage work, but husband and wife both letting go and truly enjoying the other's love and companionship, sharing every part of themselves until it becomes difficult to draw a line between the two and divide them into two separate entities. This is the same way we are conformed to Christ, not that there is no individual still, but that the harmony is so beautiful and wonderful that there is no desire for a solo part.
This is in no way intended to make anyone who is married and not happy feel bad about it either! I just long for people to be free and happy in every part of their lives...and so we continue to share and enjoy the best news in the world until it gets down into every fiber of our being and transforms our minds and sets us free more and more!
Sunday, August 19, 2007
12 Years
Today is our anniversary. I can't believe we've been married for 12 years already, though is some ways it feels like we've been together forever! This past year has been a more difficult one at times, actually, much more difficult than any year since the first few. But I think we've been pretty happy together for the last half of it. God has done so much for us and brought so many good changes this year. With having young children around, the romantic aspect of all these types of celebrations sometimes (o.k., let's be honest--usually) gets left by the wayside so I want to use this chance to be sappy and honor my husband in a somewhat public way. So, this next part is a sort of open letter to Aaron:
You are my best friend and though I can function well without you (a testimony to how God has used you to help me grow) I hate it when you're not with me. We are becoming so joined together that we finish each other's thoughts and sentences and your ideas round out my own (and mine yours). Together our faith is stronger, our dreams are bigger, and the possibilities stretch so much farther than they could for either of us individually. I never imagined when God first showed me that you were the one he meant for me all that it would mean. I've doubted his wisdom at times, but now I'm amazed at what he had in mind.
We are getting ready to enter into promises we've been holding onto for a long time. I know there are many many hard times ahead of us, but there are also so many blessings and so much joy ahead and I can't believe I get to live it all with you in the exhilarating presence of God. More than anything, I want to thank you for loving me no matter what and listening to me and not holding the past against me but always letting me grow in grace. I'm so excited to see you coming into all that God has always planned for you. You're becoming the man I saw God wanted you to be when I met you; what was once your potential is fast becoming who you really are. You've been growing steadily in your revelation of grace and I can't wait to hear you preach it! God is going to use you in increasingly powerful ways as he draws you closer and closer to his heart, and you're going to march out into the world a son so sure of your Father's love and confident of his big muscles that fear won't enter your head for a second, and all your boasting will be "my Dad is stronger than your dad". Together we're going in to posses the land God has prepared for us! I think Rob would call that my pentecostal anointing hehe... anyway, I love you and I always will. Thank-you for giving me the joy of spending my life unraveling the mystery of who you are, as we unravel the mystery of who God is together.
You are my best friend and though I can function well without you (a testimony to how God has used you to help me grow) I hate it when you're not with me. We are becoming so joined together that we finish each other's thoughts and sentences and your ideas round out my own (and mine yours). Together our faith is stronger, our dreams are bigger, and the possibilities stretch so much farther than they could for either of us individually. I never imagined when God first showed me that you were the one he meant for me all that it would mean. I've doubted his wisdom at times, but now I'm amazed at what he had in mind.
We are getting ready to enter into promises we've been holding onto for a long time. I know there are many many hard times ahead of us, but there are also so many blessings and so much joy ahead and I can't believe I get to live it all with you in the exhilarating presence of God. More than anything, I want to thank you for loving me no matter what and listening to me and not holding the past against me but always letting me grow in grace. I'm so excited to see you coming into all that God has always planned for you. You're becoming the man I saw God wanted you to be when I met you; what was once your potential is fast becoming who you really are. You've been growing steadily in your revelation of grace and I can't wait to hear you preach it! God is going to use you in increasingly powerful ways as he draws you closer and closer to his heart, and you're going to march out into the world a son so sure of your Father's love and confident of his big muscles that fear won't enter your head for a second, and all your boasting will be "my Dad is stronger than your dad". Together we're going in to posses the land God has prepared for us! I think Rob would call that my pentecostal anointing hehe... anyway, I love you and I always will. Thank-you for giving me the joy of spending my life unraveling the mystery of who you are, as we unravel the mystery of who God is together.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Knowing God Under the New Covenant
My kids are staying with their Grandma and Papa for a few days so I get to enjoy lots of quiet time to read, write, listen, and well, hopefully clean and do some painting in the house. I was just reading in Hebrews a bit ago and this passage really struck a chord with me.
Hebrews 8:10-12, quoting Jeremiah 31:31-34
It just struck me almost my whole life in the church I have been taught "Know the Lord". I've experienced all kinds of methods, techniques, plans, motivational preaching, challenges to commit to this or that--all with one goal in view: That I know God. I tried to implement many things I've heard or read to the same purpose. Sadly, I have to say that they all pretty much failed. And for all my effort I managed to turn prayer, Bible reading, church, fellowship, loving others (even my own family) into great mountains of duty and obligation that I could never possibly fulfill. And this great mountain planted itself directly in the middle of the path to God. I was farther from him than ever.
When I read this today, I suddenly saw it. All those who teach "Know the Lord" are teaching Old Covenant, you know, the old obsolete broken inadequate way of coming to God-- the way that never lets you into the Holy of Holies where His presence is, the way that leaves us down at the bottom of his Holy mountain trembling in fear of death and judgement (Hebrews 12:20), the way that never cleanses us from our sin so completely that we can come boldly to the throne of grace in our time of need (Hebrews 4:16). We have a new and living way! (Hebrews 10:20)
Under the Old Covenant, people have to be taught "Know the Lord". They must be pushed and bullied and forced to come near to God. Why? Because they are afraid. Their conscience is not clean, they are still fearfully conscious of their sin.
In Israel people longed to be in near God on one hand, but not toonear, because to enter into God's presence was a terrifying experience. It was so dangerous the high priest had to have a rope tied around his leg in case God struck him dead while in the Holy of Holies. Why? Because of sin.
And how many of us are still living and teaching others to live as if still under that Old Covenant? If we are still saying to ourselves and others "Know the Lord" then we have an Old Covenant mindset. Under the New, we already know him! We come to him all the time because nothing stands in our way! All our sin is not only forgiven but completely taken away! Christ has done such a thorough job that we aren't even conscious of sin anymore. Think about that. The Old Covenant sacrifices served to remind people of their sins even more , to bring condemnation but the sacrifice of Jesus did just the opposite. He did not come to condemn us for our sin but to remove our sin completely so that we are never again subject to any condemnation. (Romans 8:1)
When we remember the cross, we remember that our sins are taken away. We should NEVER NEVER NEVER look at the cross and mourn our sins and feel shame and guilt. If we do that, we are looking at the cross saying "it wasn't enough for my sin". It doesn't impress God and it isn't humility, it is a rejection of the Perfect Sacrifice and evil unbelief.
So from Hebrews, here are two signs of a legalistic,Old Covenant mindset:
1. A need for "Know the Lord" type teaching.
2. Having a consciousness of sin.
If we see either of these in our lives, we need to pray for the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth of the Cross to us. And let us enter into His presence with joy and peace, no longer being held back by fear of judgement or consciousness of sin.
Hebrews 8:10-12, quoting Jeremiah 31:31-34
"For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my laws into their minds, and write them on their hearts, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. And they shall not teach, each one his neighbor and each one his brother , saying, 'Know the Lord,' for they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest. For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more."
It just struck me almost my whole life in the church I have been taught "Know the Lord". I've experienced all kinds of methods, techniques, plans, motivational preaching, challenges to commit to this or that--all with one goal in view: That I know God. I tried to implement many things I've heard or read to the same purpose. Sadly, I have to say that they all pretty much failed. And for all my effort I managed to turn prayer, Bible reading, church, fellowship, loving others (even my own family) into great mountains of duty and obligation that I could never possibly fulfill. And this great mountain planted itself directly in the middle of the path to God. I was farther from him than ever.
When I read this today, I suddenly saw it. All those who teach "Know the Lord" are teaching Old Covenant, you know, the old obsolete broken inadequate way of coming to God-- the way that never lets you into the Holy of Holies where His presence is, the way that leaves us down at the bottom of his Holy mountain trembling in fear of death and judgement (Hebrews 12:20), the way that never cleanses us from our sin so completely that we can come boldly to the throne of grace in our time of need (Hebrews 4:16). We have a new and living way! (Hebrews 10:20)
Under the Old Covenant, people have to be taught "Know the Lord". They must be pushed and bullied and forced to come near to God. Why? Because they are afraid. Their conscience is not clean, they are still fearfully conscious of their sin.
"For since the law has but a shadow of the good things to come instead of the true form of these realities, it can never, by the same sacrifices that are continually offered every year, make perfect those who draw near. Otherwise, would they not have ceased to be offered, since the worshipers, having once been cleansed, would no longer have any consciousness of sin? But in these sacrifices there is a reminder of sin every year. For it is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins." (Hebrews 10:1-4)
In Israel people longed to be in near God on one hand, but not toonear, because to enter into God's presence was a terrifying experience. It was so dangerous the high priest had to have a rope tied around his leg in case God struck him dead while in the Holy of Holies. Why? Because of sin.
And how many of us are still living and teaching others to live as if still under that Old Covenant? If we are still saying to ourselves and others "Know the Lord" then we have an Old Covenant mindset. Under the New, we already know him! We come to him all the time because nothing stands in our way! All our sin is not only forgiven but completely taken away! Christ has done such a thorough job that we aren't even conscious of sin anymore. Think about that. The Old Covenant sacrifices served to remind people of their sins even more , to bring condemnation but the sacrifice of Jesus did just the opposite. He did not come to condemn us for our sin but to remove our sin completely so that we are never again subject to any condemnation. (Romans 8:1)
When we remember the cross, we remember that our sins are taken away. We should NEVER NEVER NEVER look at the cross and mourn our sins and feel shame and guilt. If we do that, we are looking at the cross saying "it wasn't enough for my sin". It doesn't impress God and it isn't humility, it is a rejection of the Perfect Sacrifice and evil unbelief.
So from Hebrews, here are two signs of a legalistic,Old Covenant mindset:
1. A need for "Know the Lord" type teaching.
2. Having a consciousness of sin.
If we see either of these in our lives, we need to pray for the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth of the Cross to us. And let us enter into His presence with joy and peace, no longer being held back by fear of judgement or consciousness of sin.
Friday, April 27, 2007
WHAT LEGALISM DID TO OUR MARRIAGE
I said I would continue my testimony and surprise! I'm actually doing it. When I tell people that legalism destroys marriage and was seriously affecting ours, I'm usually asked what I mean. In other words, what exactly happened as a result of living under the law instead of in the freedom of the Spirit. I think it's a good question and I'm hoping that writing here will help me have a better answer next time this question comes up.
I think one of the main problem we had was a performance mentality. We had very specific rules about what a husband should do and what a wife should do. If Aaron didn't live up to this standard, there was very little mercy from me. This worked both ways. We were also judging ourselves constantly as failures as well. I suppose this came from the subtle understanding that the main purpose of being in relationship with God was to have sin revealed so we could work harder. Just as this damages intimacy with God, it damaged intimacy in our marriage when we saw our primary role in each other's lives as one of accountability and confronting sin. My performance as a child of God was constantly falling short, and so was my performance as a wife. I often said things like 'it would be better for you if I died so you could marry a godlier wife and mother for your children'. Aaron spent his fair share of time despairing of ever being a godly husband and father. I think it's obvious that in an environment like this love is not going to grow--love becomes almost irrelevant.
Another issue connected to this performance mindset is fear of man. I've noticed there is often a connection in Scripture between legalism and seeking approval of men (see Gal. 1:10,2:12). With fear of man coming into play, our failures become even heavier burdens. Not only were we concerned with how we failed, but we were very concerned with how it would all look to others. We were also constantly thinking we would be pulled from ministry because of our failure to conform. We often critiqued each other after spending time with people whose opinions mattered to us. We piled on more guilt and fear. Again, not exactly loving...
Next I would have to say anger and bitterness came into play. The anger we're still dealing with. This anger could come at any time for any reason because inside we were angry most of the time. Angry with ourselves for sinning, angry with each other for sinning, angry with God for putting such impossible law on us. Of course, he did the exact opposite, sending his own Son to give his life for our freedom from the law, sin, death, and curse. But we lost sight of this. Oh we knew the gospel very well and loved it, but we didn't think it had any power to bring true freedom here on earth while in the flesh. We thought the Holy Spirit was only there to convict us of sin, not to fill us with the same power that raised Christ from the dead. I'm saying we thought these things but of course we were completely unaware of the lies we were believing. That's what gave them such power over us and made them able to coax us into giving up our freedom and joy in exchange for a yoke of slavery.
I would have to say that the worst part of all this was just feeling constantly overwhelmed. We were always in survival mode, just trying to make it one more day. I'm not normally a yeller or one to say really mean things to my husband, but over the past year I can remember more than one instance of me screaming (and I mean at the top of my lungs) I hate you I hate you!!! I was so overwhelmed with my life that I couldn't handle any more interrogation and I snapped. I believe every family has at least one person who will eventually break under this kind of pressure (husband, wife, or child)-- the weight of the law and the condemnation it brings is terrible. The law is meant to bring us to Christ to become free, so when as believers we go back to the law there is no longer any hope left for us. If Christ can't free us, nothing can! This is the message of Galatians. We must never never go back to law, and if we do we should come running back to grace as soon as we see what we've done.
As a result of God revealing truth to me and just loving me, I'm doing much better now. I think I've turned an important corner and I'm slowly experiencing far more joy, peace, and faith. As a matter of fact, I'm not spending all my time studying about legalism anymore, but have really been excited to learn more about healing and the Kingdom. There's a whole world I've never really explored and God is looking bigger, better, yet closer to me all the time. Oh, and our marriage is much happier as well. We are getting to know each other again and encouraging each other to be who God is calling us to be. In fact we're off to Williamsburg, VA tomorrow morning for a few nights away ALONE! It's about a 5 hour drive so bring on the sermons...definitely Andrew's recent one on healing.
I think one of the main problem we had was a performance mentality. We had very specific rules about what a husband should do and what a wife should do. If Aaron didn't live up to this standard, there was very little mercy from me. This worked both ways. We were also judging ourselves constantly as failures as well. I suppose this came from the subtle understanding that the main purpose of being in relationship with God was to have sin revealed so we could work harder. Just as this damages intimacy with God, it damaged intimacy in our marriage when we saw our primary role in each other's lives as one of accountability and confronting sin. My performance as a child of God was constantly falling short, and so was my performance as a wife. I often said things like 'it would be better for you if I died so you could marry a godlier wife and mother for your children'. Aaron spent his fair share of time despairing of ever being a godly husband and father. I think it's obvious that in an environment like this love is not going to grow--love becomes almost irrelevant.
Another issue connected to this performance mindset is fear of man. I've noticed there is often a connection in Scripture between legalism and seeking approval of men (see Gal. 1:10,2:12). With fear of man coming into play, our failures become even heavier burdens. Not only were we concerned with how we failed, but we were very concerned with how it would all look to others. We were also constantly thinking we would be pulled from ministry because of our failure to conform. We often critiqued each other after spending time with people whose opinions mattered to us. We piled on more guilt and fear. Again, not exactly loving...
Next I would have to say anger and bitterness came into play. The anger we're still dealing with. This anger could come at any time for any reason because inside we were angry most of the time. Angry with ourselves for sinning, angry with each other for sinning, angry with God for putting such impossible law on us. Of course, he did the exact opposite, sending his own Son to give his life for our freedom from the law, sin, death, and curse. But we lost sight of this. Oh we knew the gospel very well and loved it, but we didn't think it had any power to bring true freedom here on earth while in the flesh. We thought the Holy Spirit was only there to convict us of sin, not to fill us with the same power that raised Christ from the dead. I'm saying we thought these things but of course we were completely unaware of the lies we were believing. That's what gave them such power over us and made them able to coax us into giving up our freedom and joy in exchange for a yoke of slavery.
I would have to say that the worst part of all this was just feeling constantly overwhelmed. We were always in survival mode, just trying to make it one more day. I'm not normally a yeller or one to say really mean things to my husband, but over the past year I can remember more than one instance of me screaming (and I mean at the top of my lungs) I hate you I hate you!!! I was so overwhelmed with my life that I couldn't handle any more interrogation and I snapped. I believe every family has at least one person who will eventually break under this kind of pressure (husband, wife, or child)-- the weight of the law and the condemnation it brings is terrible. The law is meant to bring us to Christ to become free, so when as believers we go back to the law there is no longer any hope left for us. If Christ can't free us, nothing can! This is the message of Galatians. We must never never go back to law, and if we do we should come running back to grace as soon as we see what we've done.
As a result of God revealing truth to me and just loving me, I'm doing much better now. I think I've turned an important corner and I'm slowly experiencing far more joy, peace, and faith. As a matter of fact, I'm not spending all my time studying about legalism anymore, but have really been excited to learn more about healing and the Kingdom. There's a whole world I've never really explored and God is looking bigger, better, yet closer to me all the time. Oh, and our marriage is much happier as well. We are getting to know each other again and encouraging each other to be who God is calling us to be. In fact we're off to Williamsburg, VA tomorrow morning for a few nights away ALONE! It's about a 5 hour drive so bring on the sermons...definitely Andrew's recent one on healing.
Monday, February 12, 2007
My Husband's Love
My husband's love for me has endured and grown for over eleven years. His love has encouraged me when I was tearfully afraid to give a speech , and laughed with me when I put my foot in my mouth again. It has stood stoically in front of a church full of strangers and watched me come down the aisle to join our lives together until death separates us. His love has chased a pajama clad sock-footed wife down the darkened streets of small town hell, and come to rescue her from her own insanity despite fork stabbings and mule kicks. His love has never given up even in the face of extreme emotional claims of 'you always' and 'you never', inevitably finally wrapping its arms around me to bring me back to reality. It has given up food and sleep to hold my hand and resist fainting through three natural child births, and it has pushed me out the door to peace and quiet after days of toddler tantrums and footprints of paint across our living room floor. This love has never tired of praising every success I've had, and it has given me the freedom to become everything I was created to be. His love has kept me warm in the winter of discouragement and depression, and cooled me down in the heat of my battles. His love has been faithful and trustworthy, and has never never left me alone. While this man of mine is far from perfect, it is very very clear that he's the perfect one for me.
Friday, December 15, 2006
A Response to the Concern of a Couple of Important Readers...(Aaron is a Nice Guy)
Some of my readers (who shall remain anonymous) were concerned that people who don't know me or my husband personally would get the wrong idea from my last post. So for the record, Aaron is a great husband who has always respected me and treated me as an equal person. My problems are not stemming from my personal experience in marriage! Though we both began to be affected by some misapplication of Biblical principles, God in his mercy has intervened and preserved our love and respect for one another. Aaron is my best friend in this world and we are constantly discussing everything and I think we have an amazing 'iron sharpening iron' relationship, which I thoroughly enjoy. For clarification, when I mentioned fearing disagreeing with him, I was talking about fearing what others would think of me. Aaron has never discouraged me from sharing my opinions with him, in fact, he always wants to hear what I think about everything. And yes, this does involve some pretty intense disagreements at times! I wouldn't want it any other way.
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