I guess it has been 5 years since we left, it's so hard to believe. We live in a different country, have added another child to our family, and we are different people. Some of the people we left behind think we're different too but they don't see it as a good thing...
It's easy sometimes to forget how your experiences shape your thinking and everything you do. On some days I feel that we are so much freer and happier, and on others, well, I'm still just trying to survive. Though I don't often comment anymore on the blog SGM Survivors, I have always followed it and speak up now and again, especially if I think my words can somehow be an encouragement to someone else who is leaving (or contemplating it). I think it's good to remember where you've come from, so I'm remembering. And I'm thankful.
I don't regret our time in SGM. We met some amazing people, learned theological perspectives that were new to us, and in the end we crashed and found that God's grace was there to rescue us from the rock bottom. We learned to never trust in the charisma of men, not to be fooled by fine-sounding arguments, not to believe false-humility. We learned through it all who we really are in Christ, and to NEVER let any human being dictate to us who we are or should be. I think we learned that freedom is the right and privelege of every single son of God; spiritual, intellectual, and emotional freedom. It's something that no one can take from us but we can be persuaded and deceived into giving it up. It's something I will never give up again by God's grace.
And there are some marks left from all that we went through. I'm still cynical and suspicious of churches and leaders. I can't bear even the slightest insinuation of male chauvenism. I will bolt like a frightened animal at the first sign of someone wanting to put me in a cage or control me. I don't trust people, or should I say, religious people. And legalism? Not on my watch.
I think as time goes on I grow and heal, but I'm sure I am forever changed in some way. Life is like that. Today I re-read the letter I wrote to Aaron a few months after we left the church. I read it once or twice a year probably to remember. I smile when I think of all the wonderful people God used to help us and love us during a time of such confusion and bitterness. I told my husband I was moving out and leaving the kids behind. I was afraid I would become abusive toward them because I was breaking down, depressed, suicidal. I spent my days in bed crying and escaping the house alone whenever possible. The people we left behind didn't know us because we had spent all our energy trying to be who we were supposed to be, we didn't know each other anymore, or ourselves.
All I knew was that I didn't fit the roles I had embraced as "biblical". I was a failure as a wife and a mother, the very essence of who I was supposed to be as a woman ( as I was told) and I was miserable being chained to those roles, confined and suppressed for lack of male anatomy. And every time my mind dared to ponder even the edges of my feelings about it all the guilt would come crashing in on my head in powerful waves, I could feel the sickening weight of condemnation in my stomach. Because I had been well-taught and I knew that to think these things was evil and proud. How well I remember the feelings of condemnation! I used to think it was a mark of holiness and humility and worried if I didn't feel it for a moment! I was addicted to guilt but it was killing me as surely as any drug.
Aaron and I had lost any sense true intimacy and connection. All that seemed to hold us together after leaving was the common misery we found ourselves in. Thank God for the gift of wonderful friends who had left or were leaving at the same time, we talked for hours and hours processing everything in detail in a way I'm sure anyone from the outside would not have understood. We were warned about the dangers of anger and bitterness and unforgiveness by many but it was in the freedom of true friendship that we were able to let it all out and deal with it without fear of judgement. And then there were a few pastors from other places that loved us and prayed for us and helped us to know that not all leaders are power-hungry controllers. Not all pastors teach and train people to submit to all their wishes and worship them. Some just love people. It's true, they are out there.
Over time, our marriage became a marriage again. As we learned how to be ourselves (instead of trying to be the perfect husband/father and perfect wife/mother) I guess we discovered again that we like each other, the real versions. When you take the performance requirements out of your marriage, there is room for love again. There is room to make mistakes and laugh and move on. And kicking your pastors out of your bedroom doesn't hurt either. Ha. You see, at first we didn't know how to do anything on our own we were so used to having every detail dictated to us. How to discipline your kids, how to submit to your husband, how to control I mean lead your wife, what to say if someone says this or that, how to pray, what to read, how your sex life should be, and on and on....there are always special meetingsto "help" you do everything and anything in your life.
But we started to figure it out together, the way God intended I think. We became a team, unified, best friends. You can't be best friends with someone who is not your equal but we discovered that we were equal and we needed each other. I wasn't just a slave anymore (gasp). I'm not saying that Aaron was to blame here, I was just as brainwashed as he was. I don't think either of us fit in to this pattern and acted contrary to it all the time but we felt so terrible when we fell outside the roles we were taught.
I am rambling...just reflecting...just throwing it out there that it's a hard thing to do to leave any religous/controlling culture, but it can be done! You can survive it, you can overcome it, you can be happy and free. Not always happy, not perfectly happy, but you can feel whatever you want, whenever you want. Yes, you can have your very own feelings and thoughts and words again. And when you do that, you'll find you start encouraging your husband/wife, children, friends, everyone, to be free too! And you can read your old good-bye letters and suicide notes and be glad you pushed forward and moved on to greener pastures. There is only one true Shepherd and he won't lead you wrong...trust him.
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Friday, July 01, 2011
Friday, April 27, 2007
WHAT LEGALISM DID TO OUR MARRIAGE
I said I would continue my testimony and surprise! I'm actually doing it. When I tell people that legalism destroys marriage and was seriously affecting ours, I'm usually asked what I mean. In other words, what exactly happened as a result of living under the law instead of in the freedom of the Spirit. I think it's a good question and I'm hoping that writing here will help me have a better answer next time this question comes up.
I think one of the main problem we had was a performance mentality. We had very specific rules about what a husband should do and what a wife should do. If Aaron didn't live up to this standard, there was very little mercy from me. This worked both ways. We were also judging ourselves constantly as failures as well. I suppose this came from the subtle understanding that the main purpose of being in relationship with God was to have sin revealed so we could work harder. Just as this damages intimacy with God, it damaged intimacy in our marriage when we saw our primary role in each other's lives as one of accountability and confronting sin. My performance as a child of God was constantly falling short, and so was my performance as a wife. I often said things like 'it would be better for you if I died so you could marry a godlier wife and mother for your children'. Aaron spent his fair share of time despairing of ever being a godly husband and father. I think it's obvious that in an environment like this love is not going to grow--love becomes almost irrelevant.
Another issue connected to this performance mindset is fear of man. I've noticed there is often a connection in Scripture between legalism and seeking approval of men (see Gal. 1:10,2:12). With fear of man coming into play, our failures become even heavier burdens. Not only were we concerned with how we failed, but we were very concerned with how it would all look to others. We were also constantly thinking we would be pulled from ministry because of our failure to conform. We often critiqued each other after spending time with people whose opinions mattered to us. We piled on more guilt and fear. Again, not exactly loving...
Next I would have to say anger and bitterness came into play. The anger we're still dealing with. This anger could come at any time for any reason because inside we were angry most of the time. Angry with ourselves for sinning, angry with each other for sinning, angry with God for putting such impossible law on us. Of course, he did the exact opposite, sending his own Son to give his life for our freedom from the law, sin, death, and curse. But we lost sight of this. Oh we knew the gospel very well and loved it, but we didn't think it had any power to bring true freedom here on earth while in the flesh. We thought the Holy Spirit was only there to convict us of sin, not to fill us with the same power that raised Christ from the dead. I'm saying we thought these things but of course we were completely unaware of the lies we were believing. That's what gave them such power over us and made them able to coax us into giving up our freedom and joy in exchange for a yoke of slavery.
I would have to say that the worst part of all this was just feeling constantly overwhelmed. We were always in survival mode, just trying to make it one more day. I'm not normally a yeller or one to say really mean things to my husband, but over the past year I can remember more than one instance of me screaming (and I mean at the top of my lungs) I hate you I hate you!!! I was so overwhelmed with my life that I couldn't handle any more interrogation and I snapped. I believe every family has at least one person who will eventually break under this kind of pressure (husband, wife, or child)-- the weight of the law and the condemnation it brings is terrible. The law is meant to bring us to Christ to become free, so when as believers we go back to the law there is no longer any hope left for us. If Christ can't free us, nothing can! This is the message of Galatians. We must never never go back to law, and if we do we should come running back to grace as soon as we see what we've done.
As a result of God revealing truth to me and just loving me, I'm doing much better now. I think I've turned an important corner and I'm slowly experiencing far more joy, peace, and faith. As a matter of fact, I'm not spending all my time studying about legalism anymore, but have really been excited to learn more about healing and the Kingdom. There's a whole world I've never really explored and God is looking bigger, better, yet closer to me all the time. Oh, and our marriage is much happier as well. We are getting to know each other again and encouraging each other to be who God is calling us to be. In fact we're off to Williamsburg, VA tomorrow morning for a few nights away ALONE! It's about a 5 hour drive so bring on the sermons...definitely Andrew's recent one on healing.
I think one of the main problem we had was a performance mentality. We had very specific rules about what a husband should do and what a wife should do. If Aaron didn't live up to this standard, there was very little mercy from me. This worked both ways. We were also judging ourselves constantly as failures as well. I suppose this came from the subtle understanding that the main purpose of being in relationship with God was to have sin revealed so we could work harder. Just as this damages intimacy with God, it damaged intimacy in our marriage when we saw our primary role in each other's lives as one of accountability and confronting sin. My performance as a child of God was constantly falling short, and so was my performance as a wife. I often said things like 'it would be better for you if I died so you could marry a godlier wife and mother for your children'. Aaron spent his fair share of time despairing of ever being a godly husband and father. I think it's obvious that in an environment like this love is not going to grow--love becomes almost irrelevant.
Another issue connected to this performance mindset is fear of man. I've noticed there is often a connection in Scripture between legalism and seeking approval of men (see Gal. 1:10,2:12). With fear of man coming into play, our failures become even heavier burdens. Not only were we concerned with how we failed, but we were very concerned with how it would all look to others. We were also constantly thinking we would be pulled from ministry because of our failure to conform. We often critiqued each other after spending time with people whose opinions mattered to us. We piled on more guilt and fear. Again, not exactly loving...
Next I would have to say anger and bitterness came into play. The anger we're still dealing with. This anger could come at any time for any reason because inside we were angry most of the time. Angry with ourselves for sinning, angry with each other for sinning, angry with God for putting such impossible law on us. Of course, he did the exact opposite, sending his own Son to give his life for our freedom from the law, sin, death, and curse. But we lost sight of this. Oh we knew the gospel very well and loved it, but we didn't think it had any power to bring true freedom here on earth while in the flesh. We thought the Holy Spirit was only there to convict us of sin, not to fill us with the same power that raised Christ from the dead. I'm saying we thought these things but of course we were completely unaware of the lies we were believing. That's what gave them such power over us and made them able to coax us into giving up our freedom and joy in exchange for a yoke of slavery.
I would have to say that the worst part of all this was just feeling constantly overwhelmed. We were always in survival mode, just trying to make it one more day. I'm not normally a yeller or one to say really mean things to my husband, but over the past year I can remember more than one instance of me screaming (and I mean at the top of my lungs) I hate you I hate you!!! I was so overwhelmed with my life that I couldn't handle any more interrogation and I snapped. I believe every family has at least one person who will eventually break under this kind of pressure (husband, wife, or child)-- the weight of the law and the condemnation it brings is terrible. The law is meant to bring us to Christ to become free, so when as believers we go back to the law there is no longer any hope left for us. If Christ can't free us, nothing can! This is the message of Galatians. We must never never go back to law, and if we do we should come running back to grace as soon as we see what we've done.
As a result of God revealing truth to me and just loving me, I'm doing much better now. I think I've turned an important corner and I'm slowly experiencing far more joy, peace, and faith. As a matter of fact, I'm not spending all my time studying about legalism anymore, but have really been excited to learn more about healing and the Kingdom. There's a whole world I've never really explored and God is looking bigger, better, yet closer to me all the time. Oh, and our marriage is much happier as well. We are getting to know each other again and encouraging each other to be who God is calling us to be. In fact we're off to Williamsburg, VA tomorrow morning for a few nights away ALONE! It's about a 5 hour drive so bring on the sermons...definitely Andrew's recent one on healing.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
The Doctrine of Indwelling Sin
Now, before I start, I just want to remind you that I'm no theologian. I'm just a Christian with a Bible and the Holy Spirit. But I can't ignore this false doctrine any longer, I just have to say something. When I say false doctrine, I'm referring to the teaching that Christians have indwelling sin. I firmly believe that we are all born with a sin nature (indwelling sin). I also want to say that I have no problem understanding that you can be a true believer and accept this doctrine (I did). When I first heard this teaching of indwelling sin for believers, I fought hard against it--or rather my spirit and God's Spirit fought hard against it. I, in my flesh and fear of man fought hard to ignore my spirit and God's, succeeded, and have been since paying the price. And really, I'm not trying to stir up trouble. I'm trying to stir up a revelation of grace and the freedom we are meant to experience.
I've had some idea that I more and more strongly disagree with this doctrine for some time now. But recently the revelation hit me as I was listening to a list of signs of legalism in a sermon. All the signs of legalism are the same things I was taught were proof of indwelling sin. The more I believed this doctrine, the more the fruit of my life proved it: I sinned more and more! I became so cold and distant from God I began to doubt my salvation, and even doubt God existed. I lost the joy and and experience of God's presence and love. I lost hope and stopped fighting the true enemy of my soul--Satan. I believed all the lies he fed me and went into a severe depression. I researched ways to kill myself and lived dreaming of death or running away from everything I've ever believed in and loved--God,family, and friends. This is what legalism does. As described in Galatians 5:19-21:
"...sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God."
Doesn't this list remind you of something? I thought that indwelling sin was responsible for all these awful things. I thought I had to learn to beat this awful sin out of me somehow. I thought I had to plan and work and re-commit to more rigid spiritual disciplines in order to overcome these things. And if by some miracle I was not doing or thinking these things, I had to search for them and find them somehow residing/hiding deep inside of me. In fact, it's almost as if this doctrine stirred up more sin. But there is only one thing that can stir up sin in this way. That is the law (of works). "...the law came to increase the trespass..." (Gal. 5:20)
It seems to me that this doctrine stands mainly on two passages of Scripture.
First, Jeremiah 17: 9:
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"
It is so obvious to me that this refers to our condition before salvation. It should be obvious to all. Jesus even said he came for the sick, I mean, he came to heal us, not leave us sick. It is because we were born with deceitful hearts that God says in Ezekiel 36:26, promising us a better covenant,:
"And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."
The other passage is Romans 7. I'm not going into a big argument here, but if you want to read a good argument for an alternative meaning I can highly recommend Terry Virgo's God's Lavish Grace (incidentally this book is endorsed by one Mr. Mahaney for those of you who would be interested to know) And also "Do Christians Still Have a Sinful Nature" by Ryan Rufus. This book deals very simply with all the arguments or concerns/questions you might have (such as why do Christians still sin). I challenge you to at least read and consider the possibilities.
Some months before I was willing to consider that this doctrine was wrong, my dad challenged me to read through Romans and really honestly by the Spirit of God question my beliefs. I was surprised at the results. I was amazed at what God actually says about us, his children. He says we are set free from and dead to sin. He calls us sons, saints, and many others things but NEVER sinners. We are no longer sinners. I've also spent many hours in Galatians, learning that I'd been bewitched, and had fallen from grace. I lived as though severed from Christ in many ways. It was a terrible way to live, and by his grace I hope I will never ever live that way again. I learned that all the things I was striving to attain are completely unattainable in the flesh. Galatians 5:22-24:
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
What I'm trying to say is that I believe the doctrine of indwelling sin is actually legalism dressed up as pious and humble sounding doctrine. I believe it is very deceptive and will lead to spiritual ruin. I plan on continuing along these lines in the next couple of posts sharing my testimony of how legalism affects marriage and then parenting, and also the new joy and hope we have found in an ever increasing revelation of God's overflowing love and grace.
I've had some idea that I more and more strongly disagree with this doctrine for some time now. But recently the revelation hit me as I was listening to a list of signs of legalism in a sermon. All the signs of legalism are the same things I was taught were proof of indwelling sin. The more I believed this doctrine, the more the fruit of my life proved it: I sinned more and more! I became so cold and distant from God I began to doubt my salvation, and even doubt God existed. I lost the joy and and experience of God's presence and love. I lost hope and stopped fighting the true enemy of my soul--Satan. I believed all the lies he fed me and went into a severe depression. I researched ways to kill myself and lived dreaming of death or running away from everything I've ever believed in and loved--God,family, and friends. This is what legalism does. As described in Galatians 5:19-21:
"...sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God."
Doesn't this list remind you of something? I thought that indwelling sin was responsible for all these awful things. I thought I had to learn to beat this awful sin out of me somehow. I thought I had to plan and work and re-commit to more rigid spiritual disciplines in order to overcome these things. And if by some miracle I was not doing or thinking these things, I had to search for them and find them somehow residing/hiding deep inside of me. In fact, it's almost as if this doctrine stirred up more sin. But there is only one thing that can stir up sin in this way. That is the law (of works). "...the law came to increase the trespass..." (Gal. 5:20)
It seems to me that this doctrine stands mainly on two passages of Scripture.
First, Jeremiah 17: 9:
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"
It is so obvious to me that this refers to our condition before salvation. It should be obvious to all. Jesus even said he came for the sick, I mean, he came to heal us, not leave us sick. It is because we were born with deceitful hearts that God says in Ezekiel 36:26, promising us a better covenant,:
"And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."
The other passage is Romans 7. I'm not going into a big argument here, but if you want to read a good argument for an alternative meaning I can highly recommend Terry Virgo's God's Lavish Grace (incidentally this book is endorsed by one Mr. Mahaney for those of you who would be interested to know) And also "Do Christians Still Have a Sinful Nature" by Ryan Rufus. This book deals very simply with all the arguments or concerns/questions you might have (such as why do Christians still sin). I challenge you to at least read and consider the possibilities.
Some months before I was willing to consider that this doctrine was wrong, my dad challenged me to read through Romans and really honestly by the Spirit of God question my beliefs. I was surprised at the results. I was amazed at what God actually says about us, his children. He says we are set free from and dead to sin. He calls us sons, saints, and many others things but NEVER sinners. We are no longer sinners. I've also spent many hours in Galatians, learning that I'd been bewitched, and had fallen from grace. I lived as though severed from Christ in many ways. It was a terrible way to live, and by his grace I hope I will never ever live that way again. I learned that all the things I was striving to attain are completely unattainable in the flesh. Galatians 5:22-24:
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
What I'm trying to say is that I believe the doctrine of indwelling sin is actually legalism dressed up as pious and humble sounding doctrine. I believe it is very deceptive and will lead to spiritual ruin. I plan on continuing along these lines in the next couple of posts sharing my testimony of how legalism affects marriage and then parenting, and also the new joy and hope we have found in an ever increasing revelation of God's overflowing love and grace.
Monday, October 09, 2006
The truth, or part of it
It's always a little difficult trying to decide how much to share here on the World Wide Web. Anyone could read what I've written and that helps me try to be somewhat responsible. I know--not my strong suit. My strong suit, if I have one, is being honest about what I really think, feel,or know to be true. I think it might actually help me to write about what I'm thinking and feeling lately, even though it's far from pretty. Obviously this is still not the appropriate place to 'let it all out' but there are some things I can share that I think it would be wrong to hide from the people I know and love. And believe me, I would like to hide it all. From previous experience I know that hiding and running is not the answer to my problem, so as I've done before, I'll warn you that you may not want to continue reading if you're uncomfortable with 'personal stuff'.
So with that, I'll settle in for some humble pie, not just a little piece either. The 3 things that I've been ignoring for months now are:
1. I'm depressed. It's pretty bad, and I'm a little in shock. In fact, in the 11 years we've been married Aaron has never seen me like this, and I'm not at my worst...yet. I thought I would never get to this place again and frankly I'm not enjoying it. It's much worse with 3 kids to take care of in the middle of it. I want to die or leave, and spend most of my days thinking and planning how to do one or the other. Not practical solutions to the problem however.
2. I'm really mad at God. I've said lots of terrible (not to mention untrue) things to him and about him. I've dared him to strike me dead, told him off when he didn't, ect... Why am I so agry? As much time and energy as I recently put into defending his omni-presence, which I believe in whole-heartedly, what good is it having a God that's everwhere yet invisible and emotionally distant? In other words, though there's some benefit to him being with me without me knowing it, it's not good enough for me. I'm not interested in having all the benefits of his presence (protection or whatever) without that knowing that he's with me. As far as I can tell, I'll sink down to the pit of hell every time I feel abandoned by God. And yes, I'm not theologically/doctrinally deficient. I know the truth about his love but I need to experience it. I have before, I know I will again, but WHEN?
3. I'm really mad at some other people too. I'm saying who or why, just suffice to say it's not any of you reading my blog. This may be at the root of all this. Very possibly the case. Anger give a mighty foothold... Anyway, at the moment I don't care.
Why write all this? Two reasons really. First, I was hoping that by putting some of this out in the light would give the Holy Spirit a good opportunity to convict me. Let's face it, there's no other hope for me. Second, I was hoping that some of you would pray for me. I know there's such a thing as joy, but I've really became 'ensnared again' by legalism and it's much tougher leaving behind the teaching of demons than I realized. I did it once before, but the second time the temptation is to let my pride come in and make me not want to confess I was so stupid twice. Well, you can't say I didn't tell you. I'm a fool. And I'm not saying that to make you feel sorry for me. In reality, it brings me to the most hopeful thing of all:
1Co 1:26 For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and our righteousness and sanctification and redemption.
Therefore, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."
Weakness is good, weakness is good, weakness is good...it only feels so bad when we're trying to boast about anything other than Jesus. And I'll end with my warning. Legalism will get you every time, don't dabble even the slightest with it. If you think you're strong enough to live around it and it not affect you, you're wrong. Avoid it like the plague. Confront any small sign of it immediately, resolutely, firmly, lovingly in any person you know and care about. Don't let it slide and don't be deceived by it's pretty exterior. It will turn you into a whitewashed tomb every time, and you will be useless to build anything of eternal value. I firmly believe that the road of legalism ends with the scariest words of all time "Depart from me for I never knew you".
Surprisingly, it felt good to write this. Sorry it may not be so nice to read it!
So with that, I'll settle in for some humble pie, not just a little piece either. The 3 things that I've been ignoring for months now are:
1. I'm depressed. It's pretty bad, and I'm a little in shock. In fact, in the 11 years we've been married Aaron has never seen me like this, and I'm not at my worst...yet. I thought I would never get to this place again and frankly I'm not enjoying it. It's much worse with 3 kids to take care of in the middle of it. I want to die or leave, and spend most of my days thinking and planning how to do one or the other. Not practical solutions to the problem however.
2. I'm really mad at God. I've said lots of terrible (not to mention untrue) things to him and about him. I've dared him to strike me dead, told him off when he didn't, ect... Why am I so agry? As much time and energy as I recently put into defending his omni-presence, which I believe in whole-heartedly, what good is it having a God that's everwhere yet invisible and emotionally distant? In other words, though there's some benefit to him being with me without me knowing it, it's not good enough for me. I'm not interested in having all the benefits of his presence (protection or whatever) without that knowing that he's with me. As far as I can tell, I'll sink down to the pit of hell every time I feel abandoned by God. And yes, I'm not theologically/doctrinally deficient. I know the truth about his love but I need to experience it. I have before, I know I will again, but WHEN?
3. I'm really mad at some other people too. I'm saying who or why, just suffice to say it's not any of you reading my blog. This may be at the root of all this. Very possibly the case. Anger give a mighty foothold... Anyway, at the moment I don't care.
Why write all this? Two reasons really. First, I was hoping that by putting some of this out in the light would give the Holy Spirit a good opportunity to convict me. Let's face it, there's no other hope for me. Second, I was hoping that some of you would pray for me. I know there's such a thing as joy, but I've really became 'ensnared again' by legalism and it's much tougher leaving behind the teaching of demons than I realized. I did it once before, but the second time the temptation is to let my pride come in and make me not want to confess I was so stupid twice. Well, you can't say I didn't tell you. I'm a fool. And I'm not saying that to make you feel sorry for me. In reality, it brings me to the most hopeful thing of all:
1Co 1:26 For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and our righteousness and sanctification and redemption.
Therefore, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."
Weakness is good, weakness is good, weakness is good...it only feels so bad when we're trying to boast about anything other than Jesus. And I'll end with my warning. Legalism will get you every time, don't dabble even the slightest with it. If you think you're strong enough to live around it and it not affect you, you're wrong. Avoid it like the plague. Confront any small sign of it immediately, resolutely, firmly, lovingly in any person you know and care about. Don't let it slide and don't be deceived by it's pretty exterior. It will turn you into a whitewashed tomb every time, and you will be useless to build anything of eternal value. I firmly believe that the road of legalism ends with the scariest words of all time "Depart from me for I never knew you".
Surprisingly, it felt good to write this. Sorry it may not be so nice to read it!
Sunday, February 05, 2006
My thoughts on depression...
We are currently in a preaching series at church on depression. This has always been an interesting topic to me, since I've had my own experiences with it. For me, my worst experience with depression was very much a battle against the enemy of our souls-that is, Satan.
I was in high school at the time, and had been invited over to hear testimonies from friends who had just arrived back from a christian summer camp. It turned out that one of them had different ideas. They had been deeply involved in dungeons and dragons and had apparently been spending time with a witch,among other not so good influences. So this young man proceeded to call up a demon (without any of us knowing) and our other friend suffered the consequences, those being not being able to move, feeling sick, high temperature ( though the room become very cold) and panic/fear. Of course we were a little scared ouselves, and the boy who called up the demon rather triumphantly announced what he had done. (The one who was experiencing all this is currently living in a crack house as far as I know now.) Things settled down a bit, and they drove me home. I told my parents what had happened and they told me not to hang out with those guys again, which I had no desire to do anyway. We thought that was the end of it.
Sometime during the next few weeks, I began to feel depressed. We also were having a house built and we moved into a small trailer for about 6 weeks while it was being finished. The details are a bit fuzzy now, since this was a long time ago, but there are many specific things I can remember. I no longer wanted to be with my friends, or go to church but I was obsessed with lonliness and thoughts of people hating me. I was convinced that noone prayed for me, and seriously doubted my salvation. I heard voices in me head, many suicidal thoughts, questioning God's existence, violent thoughts about hurting people, murder,sometimes especially christians. I remember I went with my friends to a Billy Graham crusade but refused to go in. I told them to take the keys to the car with them (because I was having urges to drive into people, cars or anything else, though I didn't tell my friends this). I wasn't eating much, and my doctor sent me to a specialist afraid that I was anorexic since I started losing weight and was not very big to begin with. I was obsessed with death and dreamed about detailed ways to kill myself. I hated myself and was constantly terrified. I was being tormented and I thought I was going crazy.
Though it felt like this went on for a long time, it was really only a couple of months. My parents, though believers, didn't know what to do with me, and could find noone who knew how to help me ( they did try!). Finally, on a cold January night in Canada, I went out in only my pajamas and starting walking up into the wood behind our house. I took my dog, but she eventually got too cold and left. I laid down in the snow and waited to fall asleep. Looking up into the stars, I experienced peace for the first time in months. God began to speak to me. I finally knew he loved me. I got up and went back inside, very cold. I'm not sure how long I was outside, but I guess about 45 minutes. It took me a long time to get warm. Somehow I knew it was over, I was no longer a prisoner of evil. The next day I read the Bible, a Psalm I believe and God filled me with faith. I wrote furiously in my long abandoned prayer journal, and told Satan in no uncertain terms to get out of my life. God revealed areas of sin in my life that had given the enemy a foothold in my life, such as self-centeredness and unbelief. He showed me the deceptions and lies of the enemy for what they were and spoke truth to me. I sang worship songs and got rid of all the negative and evil music I had been listening to. God set me free just like that, when noone else could help me and people were beginning to give up on me.
Everyone who battles depression will not have the same story as mine, so I want to be careful not to think I can understand and identify with anyone who ever suffers in depression. In my own life, I have experienced depression or temptations to be depressed to varying degrees, but never like that first time. I think knowing battle strategies and being able to discern the lies of the enemy has changed my life. And I fully trust God to rescue me. He did before, and he always has since. After I had my second child, I struggled with depression for 3 or 4 months. But I was truly fighting,not losing. God used that time to teach me to depend on him like I had not known how to before. He also taught me to pray more. And He delivered me again in a moment. One night as I cried out to him lying in bed, He just covered me in his love. I don't know how to describe it, but it was like having a hug from him and the most wonderful feeling, knowing without any doubt that he loved me. That was the end of that depression.
The more I read in Scripture, the more I am convinced that depression is not to be our normal experience as believers. That is to say, we may battle through it sometimes, but we come out on the other side as the overcomers. Victorious conquerors through Christ. Ours is a life of joy. No pain, rejection, evil, or loss can rob us of our abundant joy in Jesus. Depression is not caused by any circumstance in our lives. It is caused by not knowing God and his love. It is caused by taking up burdens in our pride that don't belong to us. It is caused by choosing our sin over life in the Spirit. It is caused by not putting on the full armor of God to stand against our enemy. It is caused by not knowing the truth that God has given us to know in his word. It is caused by not making Christ our treasure and finding our joy in him. If we call out to Him in desperation, he will answer. There is no question that he will answer, that is our sure hope. He said "I will never leave you". (Hebrews 13:5)
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
I was in high school at the time, and had been invited over to hear testimonies from friends who had just arrived back from a christian summer camp. It turned out that one of them had different ideas. They had been deeply involved in dungeons and dragons and had apparently been spending time with a witch,among other not so good influences. So this young man proceeded to call up a demon (without any of us knowing) and our other friend suffered the consequences, those being not being able to move, feeling sick, high temperature ( though the room become very cold) and panic/fear. Of course we were a little scared ouselves, and the boy who called up the demon rather triumphantly announced what he had done. (The one who was experiencing all this is currently living in a crack house as far as I know now.) Things settled down a bit, and they drove me home. I told my parents what had happened and they told me not to hang out with those guys again, which I had no desire to do anyway. We thought that was the end of it.
Sometime during the next few weeks, I began to feel depressed. We also were having a house built and we moved into a small trailer for about 6 weeks while it was being finished. The details are a bit fuzzy now, since this was a long time ago, but there are many specific things I can remember. I no longer wanted to be with my friends, or go to church but I was obsessed with lonliness and thoughts of people hating me. I was convinced that noone prayed for me, and seriously doubted my salvation. I heard voices in me head, many suicidal thoughts, questioning God's existence, violent thoughts about hurting people, murder,sometimes especially christians. I remember I went with my friends to a Billy Graham crusade but refused to go in. I told them to take the keys to the car with them (because I was having urges to drive into people, cars or anything else, though I didn't tell my friends this). I wasn't eating much, and my doctor sent me to a specialist afraid that I was anorexic since I started losing weight and was not very big to begin with. I was obsessed with death and dreamed about detailed ways to kill myself. I hated myself and was constantly terrified. I was being tormented and I thought I was going crazy.
Though it felt like this went on for a long time, it was really only a couple of months. My parents, though believers, didn't know what to do with me, and could find noone who knew how to help me ( they did try!). Finally, on a cold January night in Canada, I went out in only my pajamas and starting walking up into the wood behind our house. I took my dog, but she eventually got too cold and left. I laid down in the snow and waited to fall asleep. Looking up into the stars, I experienced peace for the first time in months. God began to speak to me. I finally knew he loved me. I got up and went back inside, very cold. I'm not sure how long I was outside, but I guess about 45 minutes. It took me a long time to get warm. Somehow I knew it was over, I was no longer a prisoner of evil. The next day I read the Bible, a Psalm I believe and God filled me with faith. I wrote furiously in my long abandoned prayer journal, and told Satan in no uncertain terms to get out of my life. God revealed areas of sin in my life that had given the enemy a foothold in my life, such as self-centeredness and unbelief. He showed me the deceptions and lies of the enemy for what they were and spoke truth to me. I sang worship songs and got rid of all the negative and evil music I had been listening to. God set me free just like that, when noone else could help me and people were beginning to give up on me.
Everyone who battles depression will not have the same story as mine, so I want to be careful not to think I can understand and identify with anyone who ever suffers in depression. In my own life, I have experienced depression or temptations to be depressed to varying degrees, but never like that first time. I think knowing battle strategies and being able to discern the lies of the enemy has changed my life. And I fully trust God to rescue me. He did before, and he always has since. After I had my second child, I struggled with depression for 3 or 4 months. But I was truly fighting,not losing. God used that time to teach me to depend on him like I had not known how to before. He also taught me to pray more. And He delivered me again in a moment. One night as I cried out to him lying in bed, He just covered me in his love. I don't know how to describe it, but it was like having a hug from him and the most wonderful feeling, knowing without any doubt that he loved me. That was the end of that depression.
The more I read in Scripture, the more I am convinced that depression is not to be our normal experience as believers. That is to say, we may battle through it sometimes, but we come out on the other side as the overcomers. Victorious conquerors through Christ. Ours is a life of joy. No pain, rejection, evil, or loss can rob us of our abundant joy in Jesus. Depression is not caused by any circumstance in our lives. It is caused by not knowing God and his love. It is caused by taking up burdens in our pride that don't belong to us. It is caused by choosing our sin over life in the Spirit. It is caused by not putting on the full armor of God to stand against our enemy. It is caused by not knowing the truth that God has given us to know in his word. It is caused by not making Christ our treasure and finding our joy in him. If we call out to Him in desperation, he will answer. There is no question that he will answer, that is our sure hope. He said "I will never leave you". (Hebrews 13:5)
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
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